graphs of my Universe
Love daily, my love
Chosen, cleaned, soaked, cooked and packed
To serve forever--
chicken biryani for lunch is like falling in love after broken hearted
💙☺️❣️
sprinkled friend onion on the layer rice & chicken
💕
boiling rice
marinating chicken in herbs + yogurt
another key to a nice biryani
fying onion
the herbs to boil the rice
basmati rice after 30′ soaked in water
She's a hummingbird
Flying her colours and voice.
Garden of Eden--
If people ask what one thing I’d do at home when I’m doing other relaxing things?
The answer: humming❣️
Humming is the power of someone who loves singing but not memorise the lyrics. It’s what makes the amateur singer feel so proud of herself of singing beautifully without words, voice and tones are right, words are hidden. 😁
Today my household chores are not as many as before yet still I want to be home longer; I have a book to read then share my reading to my family and friends. I also have a sheet of white fabric to experiment shibori stitching.
Saturday is never boring with humming.
my mom used to ask “what are you cooking for this Saturday?” then “that’s delicious! wanna try! cook it for us when you’re home” then I would call her sharing laughter & jokes
no I’m not sad but I miss her love, compassion, stories, jokes, intimacy between mother and daughter
I’m so blessed with her being my mother; and still so blessed to have siblings and in-laws that understand intimacy is the glue of our family
thank you❣️
time to let my physical, heart & soul hum softly as part of my gratitude for the love around me 💕
Our language is language of the heart.
When it's not heard, it means
The thread is cut,
The line is off,
The connection is cut,
The songs are not sung
Anymore.
Thank you for this one year.
today’s conversation in the pantry is about rejection: without telling to whom & by whom, just possibility told tales by diners that met for just 30 minutes:
personal business project that’s not approved
library planned visit that’s postponed
afternoon tea invitation in Shangrilla that’s rejected
love that’s unrequited
story that’s not continued
all are one U-turn forced by life to meet the right direction
💕
Kata orang aku sedih,
Bukan sedih.
Aku hanya rindu
Padamu
Ibu,
Yang padamu rasa terima kasihku tak lekang oleh waktu,
Yang padamu rasa cintaku tak pernah layu oleh masa,
Yang padamu rasa rinduku tak pernah kering oleh panas,
Yang padamu rasa ikhlasku makin padat sebelum menjadi ledakan saat kita bersatu.
Terima kasih, Ibu.
what I can remember about you, Ibu 🥰❣️
maybe this is what you’re doing now, Ibu 😁❣️
What is balance?
When I can walk on a line nicely with little slipping,
When I can wipe my tears soon then smile again,
When I know that there is one that keeps me still within although I look so rocked and shaken without,
When I can still express my feelings between what's called good and bad, right or wrong, while actually all is good and all is right--
Balance is
Knowing that I can wish whatever I want
Knowing that the net is always
You.
balancing in any situation is what life is about
☘️
Red bird, Beloved
Flies home bringing her redness
Welcoming the light.
it takes some time to accept that the woman called mother has left me physically
it’s ok, it’s just taking time to accept that there’s a hole called “missing you, ibu” anytime unexpectedly
thank you, ibu
♥️
I feel so languid,
Between losing and letting go.
Memories are swarming,
Reminding that life is short
And farewell is just an inch away.
What's grey has turned to lively colours that stay.
What's dark has rekindled what's dead and now alive.
Love is never faraway,
It is for a while hiding
To show up when hope is fading away.
There's nothing I hear
But heartbeats singing love song
From afar, moving closer and closer.
Love is never faraway,
It's just hiding to find a way
To disclose what's true in
Expression and will always stay.
my last wefie with her, physically faraway but her love always stays
Riding the wind, Love
Across the route Love chooses
On behalf of love--
wind is pushing her pedaling a journey to the heart of life
I'm bowing this head
Like sunflower to the sun
That sets then slips down.
It’s not easy to lose. It’s not easy to lose my mother. It’s not easy to lose my mother who has been so gently loving all of us. It’s not easy to lose my mother who has been so gently loving all of us with the ups and downs in our relationships. It’s not easy to lose her indeed.
This is the day on which I have to totally live normal without her presence. Today is the last day when most of our family members gather in her home. One by one we are going back to reality bringing a gaping hole in our heart called “mother, how are you today”.
No WhatsApp. No call. No monthly bank transfer. No laugher of silly things. No sad cry. No gossip about my late father. No “what’s for lunch”. No “have you taken your pills?”. No this. No that. Small things that built a castle called love have stopped coming; one by one the memories that we’ve saved fade away.
I just hope that this castle can be a temple where I worship love, not other types of building. 💕
Love can live in a song,
But what can love do when a song is
Forgotten?
None but an old book,
Dusty and unread--
Life is just like that.
it’s ok to be forgotten as life is just like that
love never lives in a vacuum chamber; it grows with bias of lovers who mightn’t have known deeper layers of love that can only be clearly understood with the understanding of one’s self, never with anything else
silently I’ve paid attention to someone and how one acts in public
the last song has been forgotten so it’s time for me to truly withdraw – no I don’t want to get hurt by someone that I hope not hurting me (but doing it on and on maybe without one’s knowledge of hurting me)
it’s my last day of bereavement leave of my dear mother’s passing and I want to spend it with full relaxation, watching whatever within my reach for the next one hour, then read books on and off the whole day inserted with writing what’s popped out in mind & talking to families members who are still staying until end of this week in my mother’s home
I just want to rest….
Do you know, my love
Love has no definition
But that undefined--
this love is as old as the earth before she was born….
this love is as vast as the universe and non universe of which she was yet not born….
this love is as deep as the riverbed that has no end of the abyss that greets….
this love is as true as the love itself that has no definition as truth is layered and its finale is love itself
I just want to be loved by love that I love in which love loves love itself.
❣️
It’s my first morning without my mom’s messages.
It feels….
Singapore, 2017 with Ibu – she didn’t know I was sick & neither did I yet she complained about my body weight that according to her was indicating something she didn’t know what…. a mother knows her daughter
It was so fun – everyday was jalan-jalan… I know she didn’t enjoy being out of hone too long as she was a homebody but I made her
terima kasih, Ibu
💕
Aku sayang Ibu.
our last video call
the last time I saw you was just yesterday when I had a video call with Yogi & Ocka – you smiled sweetly ☺️☘️💕❣️
terima kasih, Ibu…. 😘☘️❣️
Aku tak pernah tahu
Rasa apa yang lain
Darimu buatku
Selain cinta.
Aku tak pernah tahu
Hadiah apa yang lain
Darimu buatku
Selain doa.
Tapi kau pasti tahu
Aku salah paham akan cintamu,
Aku sering lupa mendoakanmu,
Kau juga tahu aku akan tahu.
Aku tahu.
Jangan ragu, Ibu.
ibu, you annoyed me by not opening the video ☺️❣️
in Jogja ☘️💙❣️
No one, Ibu
But
You
Who loves me without questioning,
Trusts me without doubting,
Gives all to me without expecting,
Lets go off your belonging for me without counting,
Does all for me without calculating.
Is it because you are a perfect human being?
But no!
It's because you see your perfection in me and
See my imperfection in you.
I always said I don't want to be like you.
You're too perfect to be copied:
Your patience:
Being abandoned,
Left,
Betrayed,
Cheated,
Lied to,
Hated,
Marginalised,
And so much more.
Your gift:
Being generous,
Kind,
Soft,
Lovely,
Caring,
Acceptant,
Lovable,
Humane,
And so much more.
Dear, Ibu.
I want to talk about you
All the time now
Because I can't talk to you
Anymore.
Yes I can
But without your voice
Kicking softly on my eardrums
Giggling about our silly days.
But I assure you:
I am letting you go wholeheartedly,
I will take care of your legacy,
I will love those whom you love, too.
Ibu, I wish I could still
hug you....
ibu, terima kasih ya….
Terima kasih ya
Sudah jadikanku bagian badanmu,
Bagian jiwamu,
Bagian hidupmu.
Cuma kamu yang tiap pagi WhatsApp aku selama 13 tahun setiap pagi di manapun aku berada.
Aku kadang sebel
Tapi sering tidak sebel,
Aku suka. Rasanya seperti kau manja.
Aku janji hanya kuingat yang bikin aku makin dekat denganmu.
Sedihmu,
Bahagiamu,
Sakitmu,
Sehatmu,
Janjimu,
Cintamu.
you might not be the smartest woman on earth but trust me, Ibu you are the wisest of all – I won’t replace you with anyone
💙
terima kasih yaaa….
😘
Ibu,
Thank you for becoming the gate for me to this life.
One day I said to you,
"Who knows I'll have a daughter like you have me?"
You said,
"Amen. Pray. All is good."
Then I said to you again,
"Do you love me?"
You said,
"All mothers love the children."
I said again,
"But I think you love my brothers better because they are men and I'm a woman who is not considered more valuable in our tradition?"
You smiled saying,
"You are stronger. Much stronger."
ibu, terima kasih ya ☺️
There was so much time
When we were together.
There was so much time
When we were separated.
There's time.
Yes, there's still time,
Ibu.
ingat ibu….
If I'm in a trip,
I'd be with the Lone Ranger,
Or with my Tonto.
I’m 50 years old next week. I still want to live next many years in good health although this body needs to compromise with speed and strength. And I want to have more trips– both professional and personal.
While professionally I go alone almost all of the time and not expect to change it; I’d like to have a travel buddy personally.
He should be….
😎
someone that knows how to pack nicely both in backpack & suitcase
someone that doesn’t have to stay in 5-star as long as it’s with me
someone that doesn’t bother to have ice cream because the restaurant is fully booked
someone who is not ashamed to have fun in simple way although it looks weirdly cheap
someone who likes to sing under the rain
someone who rides motorbike… yaaay!
who drives much better than I do
he’s my Lone Ranger or Tonto, whichever he needs to be when with me
who?
not sure, I won’t overthink as I can find all those within me except the driving one 😁
I’m gonna be 50 &
yes I’m just me that’s gonna be 50 wholeheartedly.
If you were a king,
What would you be like, my love?
Would you let me know?
😎
☘️
🤪
☕️
💙
💙
🤯
🤣😘
💕
🤣🤣🤣😘❣️
It never dies-- Love.
It sparks then sparkles; no end
But milestones to mark.
preparing batik for myself
will name this piece “life cycle of love”
What's beauty today?
Ants partying in some blooms
For sweetness of life--
no, I don’t want to focus on what I experience as bitterness too long
why should I age with heavy burdens if I can live in my second half of my life with light heart (that’s if I live 100 years)
I will see bitter day just as a bitter gourd for me to carve to be beautiful garnish or to cook in nice recipe; or better seeing it as bitter dark chocolate 😘
I just won’t let others play around as they love to tease others fr sport; no! My life is too precious to waste just for those who think life is fun when wasted with no clear design 🥰
Beauty today, Love
Is about about colours and shapes
Softly touch the heart.
as close as I could, I felt a tap on my broken heart telling me “life is just like that, beauty lies on the tiniest part of your own heart, not others'”
at closer glance the colours gave me some soft touch on my heart who is longing for honest heart to talk about love, life with sufficient laughter
today I worked under a tamarind tree across a construction site and found a tiny beauty, a grass flower inviting me with its enticing colours
There's a basket of blockers
Called assumption
Built about me and you.
That everyone wants to be famous;
Forgetting that in different occasion he says all is love.
There's a basket of blockers
Called assumption
Built about me and you.
That you are untouchable by my love;
Denying that in different occasion she is in love.
There's a basket of blockers
Called assumption
Built about me and you.
That you belong to them and not me;
Claiming that certain human beings don't deserve the others.
dear Life, please give me what you call true love, not what is seen true love;
& life as light as feathers that can fly a bird,
life as deep as an underground chamber that keeps all secrets,
love that is free from any blockers except you between me and you
💕
I've read thousands of poems
In which all lines are started with
You.
I've recited hundreds of them
With which all rhymes are ended with
A you.
I've waited for a sonnet full of love
Through which my questions are answered by you. Yes,
You.
I've asked myself all my life:
Have you ever thought what this life is for?
You're born. You die.
You struggle. You cry.
You suffer. You rant.
You're full. You sleep.
You're fulfilled. You forget.
You're numb. You're silent.
If it's really
You that this life is about,
Am I really needed?
Am I really wanted?
Yet the echoes of the quest go on.
Your answers feel like algae converting light to feed my days with
Hope that you embrace me, with
Fear that it will end when I still owe you promises.
I can't answer it clearly until today.
It becomes like a love story
In which falling in love is either inserted with broken-hearted acceptance or ended with broken hearted let-go.
That I live for
You, because of
You, in
You, through
You is a journey between a lover longing for the beloved who might care but care; who might love but hate, who might exist but not exist.
Have you ever thought what this life is for? I said yes and yes and yes to
You, and for
You.
Guidance
Amouge, Guidance – it’s about you guiding me to you
bought it when in Sydney
slided the box out of the outer cover
one of my best gift to myself – a scent that guides
My heart is a garden
Where flowers are nodding to butterflies and ladybugs
That need a ride to play.
My heart is a pond
Where lilies spread their pads to dragonflies and frog
That stop to meditate.
My heart is a cave
Where treasures are hidden from
eyes and ears
That crave for secrets.
My heart is an ocean
Where space is containing depth and width
That hug the abyss.
My heart is a home
Where songs are waiting for rhythms and rhymes
That long for a voice.
dear heart, be fragrant even when it’s around bad odor ♥️
Dear, kind heart
Let it fly
To where dreams
Dance with mornings.
Maybe it is you
That sits on every sea wave
Gently touching me--
A door, Beloved
Your way I take to enter
The way of loving--
some people said to me directly and some indirectly “my way or no way”
my life is like one-way highway with no U-turn with which the choice is chosen by itself, go ahead and that’s it! when I choose my way, the way becomes bumpy and muddy and not safe,
so I’ve never really thought about my way
letting it be instructed through my heart and follow Life’s way
so when some ask “my way or no way”, I’ll smile and think
maybe those people’s life has been so easy and smooth that all their way is running without any interruption or alteration or even 100% negotiation
maybe
but I again just smile and try to understand while waiting whose way is winning
rike jokanan 
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