graphs of my Universe
No doubt is playing.
She finds this journey blessing.
No more pretending--
‘ve never stayed in this hotel before, rather unusual but there is a blessing in disguise; the hotel room i’m staying has dandelions at one of its corner — i take it as a confirmation to all my prayer, i’ve got no doubt anymore about this journey 💕 the outcome though is not in my control
Look at nature's work.
Coloured, shaped, structured and timed.
I shout the delight.
walking through a site is fulfilling, i not only see how the environment is maintained but also capture how nature expresses her beauty freely and beautifully —
this mimosa is beautiful, said i
when i said beautiful, it is not precisely about the subject of discussion (mimosa), it is about how my mind labels the state of emotional response (to the mimosa) happening within me — the same emotion can be interpreted differently by other people based on their schemata, belief system, cultural and physical environment and other possible factors; when i am in bad mood, i might think that same mimosa as just weeds; when i don’t assign emotion to see my surrounding, i might not even regard the same mimosa
so i might never be as objective as expected by many, but definition of emotional labels is discussable and/or debatable and that is where communication will be lively if done with smiles (or laughter)
you’re beautiful 😘
These dreams are brewing,
Longing to see a meadow
Where flowers blossom.
heart is where the dreams brew before traveling to another heart that accepts them fully
only Wind can make it happen
thank you for giving me a lot of sleep recently so i can claim back my battery 💕
Pondering where this tiny love story means,
Counting breathing through hope in highs and lows.
In I breath fragrance of rose, out jasmine.
How beautiful! No one but a key knows.
The breeze sometimes softly shakes the heartbeat.
The river flows tampering a quiet mind.
The fire ignites a heart that longs to meet.
Under the drizzle the sun warmly shines.
Beloved, is it you she's waiting for?
Is it her you're letting in your grand throne?
The cloud hanging disguises sweet flavor,
Or the flavor is love and love alone?
Love is beautiful with cloudy sweet dream.
If time allows, rain stops, be shown sunbeam.
there’s a girl within falling in love, a woman without daydreaming of love
be real, woman! the girl is as true as your love itself
never doubt your heart; trust your life
Wrap me, Beloved
With a blanket that calms down
And colours my heart.
today was a painful day, my emotion was so drained and i need a long battery charge before starting a new week — a thick blanket would be good
some days pull me too deep then suddenly kick me high abruptly or the other way round; i am now back to my grip ‘coz life is just like that
alhamdulillah
💕
Relax, Beloved,
There's a place for victory
Other than fighting.
finding that Sunday evening i will be away, i changed my Japanese food craving to today, tomorrow will be my packing day for next two trips, reading and chasing wind
Friday’s message: just relaxxx and eat crabbb!
She won't let go, Love
The softness and clarity
She's gained through tough years.
found it this morning and sent it to Ina and Novi, my bestfriends — humble human beings whose heart talks to me with blissful joy, i to them and would be on and on
thank you❣️
Facing my face, Love
Is facing hell in heaven
Or heaven in hell.
All human beings must face “when things don’t go your way”. Everyone of us! And I believe sooner or later each of us will get enlightened to realise that all of us are monks in the making. Indeed❣️
Here is one of many of mine.
How I deal with my health….
My 1-week retreat (Tapa Brata) experience in Bali Usada has given me a key to facing my own face within. My first Tapa Brata was in 2018 then two more after that.
This retreat really dismantles participants’ reading/writing/listening tools and speaking activity and all electronic gadgets (all are safe kept by Bali Usada during retreat) which will need professional deal for professional participants to be totally off– no one outside the retreat center can contact you directly, your killer boss will probably scold at you if you don’t take the call.
We meditate 9 hours per day, listening to 3-4 hours of lectures, physical workout and personal daily activities (cleaning, eating, sleeping, etc). No others–
We don’t speak with others except facilitators and only whispering when truly needed. We don’t listen except to instructions from facilitors, lectures from Bapak Merta Ada, natural sounds (silence of quiet night, falling rain, rustling wind, cracking woods, splashing water, chirping insects, crying night birds, whispering ghosts maybe….). We don’t read anything except the announcement and material posted on the wall bulletin. We don’t write except when allowed and on the paper and pencil given by facilitator.
Imagine one week only interacting with your own self. Before joining in 2018 I thought it would be relatively easy because I’ve learnt meditation since 2010. But in reality I vomitted several days after meditation finding how hard and disgusting seeing my own shadows within without distraction and no sharing plus with hidden health issues.
My 2nd and 3rd were with different challenges but I will not share it here.
It was not easy to face guilt, abandonment, feeling of unwanted, shame, anger, ignorance, arrogance, stupidity, etc within myself plus physical heaviness. I cried almost everyday, I could not sleep, I felt desperate being me, I regretted joining the retreat, I screamed in my silent meditation begging Pak Merta Ada or the facilitators to just pause the meditation– those all happened until day 4. It went smoothly from day 5 to the last. I so much loved my own self; felt so liberated, forgave myself more, committed to love my own self more responsibly.
Vomitting and headache in my 1st retreat was my biggest physical challenge as I stopped taking my daily pain killer which was not doctor’s prescription. Pain killer except the one prescribed by doctor is not allowed during retreat as it will reduce the sensitivity to body and senses during meditations.
In the final session with Bapak Merta Ada he advised me to thoroughly have my health condition checked as he observed something serious (I won’t say it here). Terima kasih, Bapak❣️
Going back to Singapore I did my yearly medical check and was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor and no surgery was mandatory– thanks to the retreat that intensified my headache and vomitting. Anyway I finally found of being wrongly diagnosed by 2 doctors in my own country earlier. I was shocked by the new diagnose (which was the right one) but at the same time so relieved that the diagnose from 2 early doctors was totally drunk! I was so happy that I would not die restless like I thought before.
I joined Tapa Brata again after pandemic when my brain tumor shrank to 40%. Easier physically! So content and humbled by many things! Now I’m waiting for the next MRI to see how much the growth shrinks further and taking an annual leave to do the next Tapa Brata in 2025.
Don’t ask me how perfect I am. I will tell you how imperfect I’ve been.
😊
….continuing reading Haemin Sunim
now what do you think about me?
Read to me, dear heart
The fairytales about you
So I can sleep well.
not an easy ones to finish before end of 2024 🤪
night….
Her heart aches,
She needs some medicine
And so she goes down on her knees and prays
For clarity.
She hopes soon her tips of fingers can touch clearly
Whether it is pulsating
Of better future
Or potentially repeated puncture.
Show me his way.
fastbreaking today — bismillah
i booked a table in my favourite Japanese resto as i wanted to enjoy their crab but no table was available at my preferred time
so i bought kanikama as the frozen crab was not available either in dondondonki
….randomly mixed it with whatever i had
i needed rice but not much time to cook it
…. ok
not bad at all to start this evening
japanese restaurant, see you on sunday
Life's, Beloved
Adorned with perfect senses
To find your beauty.
I asked myself about
Falling in love.
My brain said
Falling in love is scary.
I could not concentrate,
I dropped what I carried,
These tears came down miserably,
Dizzy, oh dizzy!
My heart said
Falling in love is beautiful.
I could imagine what was best,
I shared what I carried,
These tears came down happily,
Pretty, oh pretty!
My soul said
Falling in love is magical.
I could think beyond what was,
I multiplied what I carried to share,
These tears came down with no reason,
Willingly, oh willingly!
Someone said
Falling in love is inevitable.
It filled me when I was hungry,
It emptied me when I was full,
Do, just do
However dizzy or pretty, do it only willingly!
I checked who was the last speaker:
Damn! My stomach was smiling in glee.
scary, beautiful, magical and inevitable
She's simply composed,
Not even shaken by storm.
Rooted to the earth--
My intuition works wonder when it comes to family esp mother, as if knowing when something wrong happens even no one informs me.
Yesterday I contacted my sister saying that mother might not be good. She said mother was ok and sleeping.
My gut said different. I contacted my cousin saying the same thing and she said “Yes, she fell and injured a bit on her chin and left hands.”
I happened to know later that my mother didn’t allow my sister to tell me about the incident.
I tried to digest the “lie” although the feeling inside was a mix of anger, disappointment, sadness, left behind at the same time relief that she was now ok.
This morning after a long meeting I called my mother. I really wanted to give her some “lecture” that she should be careful, should not do this or that and should let me know whatsoever happens to her. But I detered myself from doing so.
I know what I would say is something true but don’t want to hurt her motherly affectionate decision. I chose to accept her reason of not informing me: so my child can work with light heart.
My mother is one of the mentally strongest women I’ve known in life. None of people knowing her will say otherwise.
Once I joked around with her “Ibu, please pray that I don’t have to be as strong as you in life as when I’m as strong as you, it means I will have one most challenging of human life.”
She said “You can be stronger than me but don’t need to experience what I have in life. Trust your life.”
Yes, I do trust life will protect me from the harms.
I love you, Ibu. Thank you.
💕
Why worry?
I am here
Always.
who withers first? the flower? the lady? none, night will wither first then sun rises; the flower and the lady stay now here
Do you know that the road I've taken is not what I wanted?
And do you know that this is the best I've experienced?
Yes, you know.
Thank you.
Yours truly,
One humble traveler breathing your blessings
I'm a room
Overflown with blessings.
Some visible,
Some unseen,
All undeniable--
this is where water, soil, air and fire show their potential in harmony, no collision
Release, Beloved
What's wished. Let it fly to find
Its way to go home.
this fragile dandelion is my favourite plant, it reminds me to release wishes to their way home, where they materialise their best potentials
💕
(picture from Pinterest)
Banksy,
It throws me flowers
At a silent weekend.
I'm dead.
Have a nice weekend, everyone!
Banksy’s work of art
Laughter's, Beloved
You radiate cheerfulness,
We all count blessings.
when you laugh, the dried grass comes alive
I can't talk about
You all the time,
People will think I am crazy
Or crazy about
You.
But how can I
Stop thinking about
You, while obviously
You are everywhere
I am?
blaming why a plate seems empty but actually full of unseen material
aka
what is wanted is obvious, but there is no way — don’t blame the guest standing in front of the door, blame the host not responding to the greeting
Long life's, Beloved
Feel the breathing one by one,
No matter how long.
eat noodle to live long? today’s dinner is shirataki noodle soup with shredded chicken breast and carrot
What am I
Without teacher?
A lost wanderer
Losing destination.
What am I
Without teacher?
A confused traveler
Losing guidance
What am I
Without teacher?
A dreamer
Losing inspiration.
What am I
Without teacher?
A human
Losing meaning.
What am I
Without teacher?
A Soul
Repeating the same mistakes.
Dear
Teacher,
You are born
For me
To be reborn
As me.
I'm grateful to
You.
Today’s lunch break was about a phenomenal chat with some teachers of life.
Thousands if not millions of teachers have taught me in life. There are some that I cherish the most today, those that have triggered me to make biggest decisions in life.
Thank you, dear teachers❣️
Bapak Merta Ada, he was the one teaching me to go within without doubt, without limit – “spread love and compassion”, his advice 🥹
Sister Zak, my Arabic teacher — she emphasised that what we read needs to be well understood first then pondered then can be interpreted (differently) — “be a responsible interpreter of the Quran for yourself, no one to blame when you make wrong interpretation or decision“, her advice
Aaron Cass, my mentor in Beshara School who helped me open most doors of freedom of responsibly being human through his amazing knowledge and wisdom about sufism and esp about Ibn Arabi & Rumi — “from now on whatever you do differently, never make it a new religion”, his advice
Ina, a best friend from high school whose action moved my soul: she left her brilliant career (at the same time I started mine in Singapore) without new career to take care of her parents for her sense of responsibility; she took care of her mother until she passed away, now she is taking care of her father; Ina, you are beautifully blessed — “let’s exchange stupid memes and videos”, her message
dear Ibu, i won’t let anyone hurt you — “work responsibly and take care”, her every morning’s advice
Vito, my dear nephew, “i will always love you and protect you forever”, his last message before he passed
the fire warden in the mirror, “have you smiled today?” my greeting to myself
Radiance, dear heart,
Her eyes light up and she smiles;
A delighted day--
there shouldn’t be big reasons to be radiant; it is as simple as waking up in the morning knowing that it doesn’t rain…
….and completing the day earlier
Clarity's in you,
In the mirror in your hand.
Clean it everyday.
how can i deny how ugly i am with the mirror patched with oil and dust?
morning message from my mirror
thank you
What she's pondering's
A jar of water, sugar
And how lemonade's made.
life’s good as lemon for health and lemonade for drink
Today
The war was cool
Under the water
With some kids
Who know
Only fun!
look at those 3 teenagers — they shot me with a water gun under the water while i was swimming; they thought i would be annoyed, i said to them “hello” when i breathed in above the water then we became friends, they moved aside when i was passing by — thank you, sweet rascals 😀😘
i saw they did the same to other swimmers 😂👍🏽
i think i have fewer and fewer reasons to ignore blessings in this life
A home's, Beloved
Where door's silently guarding,
Hot tea's comforting.
it is very easy for me to feel home anywhere i am as long as i see an immediate chance to be calm — i can stay in different hotels in different cities/countries with no effort as long as they are safe and clean
it answers why i don’t enjoy wandering around too long in a market place like shopping mall; i feel like the market place is moving in to me
it also answers why i feel so home in WordPress rather than in other platforms
home is where my heart can tolerate excitement
Pleased and guilty, love
Intertwine with her black hair,
Making some balance.
They will fall and get flushed out
When the root is weak or dried.
today’s dinner after work (from remote on Monday)
i started cooking almost all my meal in early 2020 when working from remote was applied due to the pandemic; since then i only eat out with colleagues, friends or visiting families or when i myself want to eat Japanese food (good Japanese food needs refined ingredients and high skill that can only happen in a pro place) — no one can cook my Indonesian food better than me 😀
i also started doing all household chores that were before done by a paid assistant
since then i don’t want to give up doing it, even if i have to stay up late i will do all by myself for self satisfaction — so pleased to be moving around at home
just yesterday my regular assistant finally requested to go back to take my weekly chores like before (since pandemic i only call her in emergency situation) — i could not say yes or no as it is not about money anymore although it is not a big expense to do (my mother will complain and say it is an act of ignorance — i’m sorry, Ibu 😘)
i’m still feeling guilty since i finally said no this morning, i told her that i might call her just for occasional need and include her in my meal list when i have something special in my kitchen 😘
i feel that giving up household chores is like giving up some part of my moving meditation
cooking, cleaning, gardening (small group of potted plants), laundry, etc give me sanctuary from routine at work — also honestly give me excuse to reject some (unnecessary) invitation from (unwanted) people
this guilt will be difficult to go away i know
but i prefer losing compliments rather than losing my sanity
💕
Math of Life, Beloved
Shows beautiful spectrum.
Your equation is
Complex and with confound.
Mesmerizing.
Mine is
Basic and blunt.
Energizing.
The only same factor is
X and Y that sit at the front.
Math of Life though is fun,
Solved with nothing to be done--
RC Gorman’s work of art
This battle's, dear heart
Will win you with condition:
You have the courage.
Whatsapp gave me a surprise that my batik Gringsing Bharatayudha is ready to ship; by plan it should be by November this year.
This time I don’t want it to be shipped, I’d like to collect it by myself so I can say thank you directly to the makers.
Gringsing is my favourite aside from batik nitik, kawung and parang. Gringsing reminds me how I was taken care of when I was a girl and sick — my mother would wrap me in a sheet of batik gringsing, my father would chant his mantra (I can remember what it was and will disclose it at the right time some day.) and my siblings would sleep with me in my bedroom until I was recuperated. Gringsing bears a sweet memory about my family in early period.
Bharatayudha is something familiar in our family. Our parents wanted us to be “true Javanese” who knew “the root” as a middle way because our parents held different religions; so Javanese tradition would not make them play tug of war of who would follow whom and it would not harm any of us to learn local wisdom. They bought R. A. Kosasih’s wayang comic books and other funny wayang stories of Punakawan (please allow me talk about it later). Another series that also built some of us was series of S. H. Mintarja’s “Api Di Bukit Menoreh”. We enjoyed it and shared it to other friends — we lost some books as some friends did not responsibly return the books after reading.
Long story short I grew up with Javanese and wayang wisdom before finally I decided to hold one religion as a legal requirement in our country — Indonesian must display their religion in the ID card. 🙃 I am thankful to be raised by parents of different faiths — they have taught us to respect others regardless….
Last year Ibu Tien showed me a white sheet with Gringsing Bharatayudha pattern then several months later the half done. I could not resist its charm.
There are two scenes in the batik Gringsing Bharatayudha:
1. Bhatara Kresna the King of Dwaraka on the chariot: He is the coachman of Arjuna who is fighting against Adhipati Karna whose coachman is Prabu Salya the King of Madra. Arjuna and Karna are actually brothers from one mother (Dewi Kunthi) of different fathers whose each upbringing has brought them to different partiality. Arjuna for sure is in the side of Pandhawa, Karna decides to side with Kurawa who has provided life care and social status.
Bhatara Kresna, the King of Dwaraka (the most intelligent character in wayang, the master mind of all wars in his time) used to be my idol when I was a kid before I changed my mind to idolize Semar Badranaya (one humble deity who is assigned to accompany and guide Pandhawa)
2. Bima and Dursasana: Bima is the 2nd of 5 knights of Pandhawa the antagonist of wayang world; Dursasana is the 2nd of 100 Kurawa children the protagonist. In this scene Bima is executing Dursasana to death. This symbolises ending a preserved anger through revenge. Years back Bima swears to kill Dursasana and lets his sister in law Drupadi wash her hair using Dursasana blood — by then Dursasana sexually harasses Drupadi in public when Drupadi’s husband (Yudhistira) loses on a gamble table.
Not a few consider that the Bharatayudha (the civil war between Pandhawa and Kurawa) is not really a politically-triggered war; it is allegedly the result of the wounded pride of Pandhawa and the allies after Kurawa (Dursasana as the main perpetrator under the instruction of Duryudana the King and other Kurawa brothers’ cheering support) harasses Drupadi in the gamble court.
See. Woman can be the cause of war if not treated well— treated well can mean educated well, respected, nurtured, protected, etc. Drupadi is so broken hearted due to the fact that the Pandhawa knights donot do anything to stop the shameful act of harassment and she shouts pledging to wash her hair with Dursasana’s blood — that is when Pandhawa knights get so embarassed and promises to make Kurawa pays some day.
How could a group of knights be so retardedly ignorant? From one side it is integrity, following what’s agreed (the agreement is if Yudhistira loses in the last round of gamble, he has to give up Drupadi), in the other it is cowardice.
Sometimes being good is not an option when there is underpriviledge being abused or harassed. But it is predestined: there shall be evil to bring out good and good to bring out evil — cycle of life.
Fun fact about Bharatayudha: many don’t know that after death Pandhawa representing good side are still sent to hell for punishment, Kurawa considered representing evil are given chance to stay in heaven for some time. Indeed it is not our chosen side that brings us to heaven; it is our good deed does.
What a wisdom on one sheet of batik!
looks like a violence yet it is simply a depiction of a scene in Bharatayudha so please excuse the “looking like” violence
By the way honestly I prefer circle gringsing than square ones. Yet I know Ibu Tien’s team consists of those simbah-simbah and budhe-budhe (senior citizens) whose physical strength is not anymore at prime time so making square gringsing is easier than circle one. I will usually lend them my generous excuse: some of my batik sheets are not evenly dipped and even some are not fully drawn yet I still paid them full price. However, on some batik patterns like kawung and parang I will not let Mbak Izzah miss her grip in managing the work.
Weekend cannot be sweeter with this surprise.
I miss Jogja…. 💕
rike jokanan 
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