Mandarin duck swims
Through calm water to the edge
Welcoming the breeze.
my small work of art to be, “the lone swimmer, love bird of the east”
Mandarin Duck
Tag: love
Light
Life is just like that. Like what?
Like whatever she perceives--
Be she fun,
Or gloomy--
Be she colourful,
Or dull--
Be she letting go,
Or attaching--
Be she alone,
Or together--
Life is just like
Her in whatever version
She wants her to be.
my life shall be as light as my heart can be
I’ll always unload things unnecessary to clutch on as those things will only make my steps drudge while I’d be glad prancing
only with love….
….and love only
whatever they say….
….how much ever they think
I’m light, moving light, to the light
โ๏ธ
Evening
Evening, Love, is
Carnation in a glass vase.
Flickering candle--
Happiness
There's a space
That will always be spacious
How much ever it is loaded.
It's heart,
In which I keep
You as you are.
Eyes to Mind
What she needs, my love
A jar of coloured petals
That smile to her mind--
heliconia is always a nice welcome
or an orchid that’s bright
never a bottle of wine
just a cool towel and a cup of lemongrass tea next to a carnation
Sunset That Burns
It burns what has been packed
And ready to depart
From where a line between boundaries are drawn.
It burns with love.
It burns with life.
It burns forever,
An eternal flame.
it’s the 40th day of my mother’s passing today and we commemorate it through a Javanese traditional ceremony, assimilated with some Islamic tradition
one of the menu in the ceremony basket is “kacang cenggereng” (fried peanuts) which is not only a snack but also a symbol
it’s a symbol of respect to the one passing and hope that the passing is safely welcomed in the next life
yellow is a very suitable colour for my mother’s crossing day as it symbolises happiness
may she be happy to meet her Beloved
terima kasih, Ibu, please send my warm regard to my father
๐
yellow, Ibu ๐๐
Happy Birthday, Ibu
Sweet heart, Beloved
Lingers so long, stays alive,
Connects what across.
My mother is supposed to be 81 years old if she’s alive physically. I’m sure she’s happy across, seeing I’m happy. I know she knows I miss her everyday– there is still empty seconds in the morning when I wake up seeing no WhatsApp message from her.
I’ll keep all about you in me forever, Ibu. Love ya much muchโฃ๏ธ
Send my best regard to my father who probably is sitting with you all the time talking about you offspring.
Terima kasih, Ibu.
the last screenshot of our video call on Aug 16, 2025
even with just half of her teeth, she still is beautiful
๐
Marble Cake
Marble cake, my Love
Calls me to sweeten my days
With sugar and scent.
marble cake is one favourite of mine; it’s sweet that never fails to make me smile anytime I bite from every slice of it
me is about meaning and my marble cake is not excluded
like marble, it’s layered of taste, chocolate, vanilla, butter, crisp, moist & fluf exactly like memories of my life that is always full of love
once my readers asked me love will bore you and stop you from singing; I said no as my love isn’t about what’s outside, it’s about what’s skin, flesh, bones and marrow, it’s about muscle and about memories– the whole concept and its compliance altogether that will never fade away through known dimension
and love isn’t about someone else other than me, it’s about how layers of truth are formed with all the falling in love and broken heart in life, even the thinnest love & the slightest broken heart
have you ever seen an orchid shows its bud? that’s a thinnest falling in love
have you ever waited a taxi then suddenly the driver cancelled the order? that’s a slghtest broken heart
I’ve been falling in love to someone that’s so special: that’s a thickest love and losing someone that I’ve loved the most: that’s the biggest broken heart
and those in the middle, a lot
yes, my life is like marble and also marble cake, layered with tastes
and I never want to trade it with anything else
โ๏ธ
Love Daily
Love daily, my love
Chosen, cleaned, soaked, cooked and packed
To serve forever--
chicken biryani for lunch is like falling in love after broken hearted
๐โบ๏ธโฃ๏ธ
sprinkled friend onion on the layer rice & chicken
๐
boiling rice
marinating chicken in herbs + yogurt
another key to a nice biryani
fying onion
the herbs to boil the rice
basmati rice after 30′ soaked in water
Humming Heart (ranting)
She's a hummingbird
Flying her colours and voice.
Garden of Eden--
If people ask what one thing I’d do at home when I’m doing other relaxing things?
The answer: hummingโฃ๏ธ
Humming is the power of someone who loves singing but not memorise the lyrics. It’s what makes the amateur singer feel so proud of herself of singing beautifully without words, voice and tones are right, words are hidden. ๐
Today my household chores are not as many as before yet still I want to be home longer; I have a book to read then share my reading to my family and friends. I also have a sheet of white fabric to experiment shibori stitching.
Saturday is never boring with humming.
my mom used to ask “what are you cooking for this Saturday?” then “that’s delicious! wanna try! cook it for us when you’re home” then I would call her sharing laughter & jokes
no I’m not sad but I miss her love, compassion, stories, jokes, intimacy between mother and daughter
I’m so blessed with her being my mother; and still so blessed to have siblings and in-laws that understand intimacy is the glue of our family
thank youโฃ๏ธ
time to let my physical, heart & soul hum softly as part of my gratitude for the love around me ๐
Not Sung
Our language is language of the heart.
When it's not heard, it means
The thread is cut,
The line is off,
The connection is cut,
The songs are not sung
Anymore.
Thank you for this one year.
today’s conversation in the pantry is about rejection: without telling to whom & by whom, just possibility told tales by diners that met for just 30 minutes:
personal business project that’s not approved
library planned visit that’s postponed
afternoon tea invitation in Shangrilla that’s rejected
love that’s unrequited
story that’s not continued
all are one U-turn forced by life to meet the right direction
๐
The Load
The load, Beloved
So much she can give to you--
Whatever she keeps
RC Gorman’s work of art
the woman is guarding what she keeps in the terracotta jar silently sitting next to her like a soul that she lives with, that she fills with richness of life full of love & hope, that someday she will share with that patient enough to sit down with her silently & fun enough to enjoy life as it is
life is beautiful
โ๏ธ๐
Terima Kasih
Kata orang aku sedih,
Bukan sedih.
Aku hanya rindu
Padamu
Ibu,
Yang padamu rasa terima kasihku tak lekang oleh waktu,
Yang padamu rasa cintaku tak pernah layu oleh masa,
Yang padamu rasa rinduku tak pernah kering oleh panas,
Yang padamu rasa ikhlasku makin padat sebelum menjadi ledakan saat kita bersatu.
Terima kasih, Ibu.
what I can remember about you, Ibu ๐ฅฐโฃ๏ธ
maybe this is what you’re doing now, Ibu ๐โฃ๏ธ
Balance Is
What is balance?
When I can walk on a line nicely with little slipping,
When I can wipe my tears soon then smile again,
When I know that there is one that keeps me still within although I look so rocked and shaken without,
When I can still express my feelings between what's called good and bad, right or wrong, while actually all is good and all is right--
Balance is
Knowing that I can wish whatever I want
Knowing that the net is always
You.
balancing in any situation is what life is about
โ๏ธ
6666
On the way to office a car passed; its plate number: 6666
At young I studied Quran-based numerology in which 6 is equivalent with the letter ุญ the initial of the word ุญุจู (from which the word cable was derived) which is associated with rope, & connection or any function or meaning the same shade to them.
The word cable best describes as it indicates “a rope loadable with current or energy or surge or electricity” just like connection between humans.
Do you believe the strongest connection between humans is that between mother & her biological child? I didn’t believe even at least 3 people warned me of how “painful” it was for them to be left by mother, until she passed away. Now I can feel it: like the surge of electricity stopped abruptly, no current flows to reach the other side, there is a big gaping hole waiting for occupant. Dramatic? That’s what it feels & I can’t be more thankful for being able to feel it– I thought I didn’t strongly connect to my mom; it’s wrong. If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have had this “I miss you” everyday. ๐ฅฐ
No, no I’m not sad at all now. I was sad only until the 7th day of “tahlil”, then hearing bunch of confessions how good she was as a human. My mother’s death is never a tragedy, it’s always what she’d been waiting for: to rest from the earthly drama (I can’t imagine how she could be so kind & patient), meeting her husband (the handsome kind gentlemen) & ultimately meeting her Beloved (maybe it’s the only one she’d wanted).
For those (esp at my age) not connecting to mother with all your heart, connect now. I’m almost 100% sure all children have missed their mother’s point or if not they’ve consumed her heart ignorantly. โค๏ธโ๐ฉน
Alfatihah to her, more & more with bigger & bigger love– See you. ๐โ๏ธโฃ๏ธ
He & I Might Be Wrong, But
As a Muslim I am grateful that someone prominent attested about Islam this way.
I’m not a religious one but I read the Qur’an and Sirah (history of Prophet Muhammad) with very little external guidance as I’ve lost some trust to the religion authority interpreting the teaching & causing distrust to the real teaching of the religion.
I might be wrong but I’m trying to seek what’s relevantly meaningful to my life from the content of the Qur’an and Sirah. And I pray that I’ve got the intelligence, integrity, ethics, humanity that’s wrapped as love.
Salam.
he might be wrong just like me but at least he is experiencing things from his own very hands to tell what it is
happy weekend, everyone
fyi, it said the videos are unavailable; not sure what WordPress is trying to do but both are about Joe Rogan attesting about Islam which (according to him) is totally against what have been described by the West
๐
Red Bird
Red bird, Beloved
Flies home bringing her redness
Welcoming the light.
it takes some time to accept that the woman called mother has left me physically
it’s ok, it’s just taking time to accept that there’s a hole called “missing you, ibu” anytime unexpectedly
thank you, ibu
โฅ๏ธ
Love Isn’t Faraway
I feel so languid,
Between losing and letting go.
Memories are swarming,
Reminding that life is short
And farewell is just an inch away.
What's grey has turned to lively colours that stay.
What's dark has rekindled what's dead and now alive.
Love is never faraway,
It is for a while hiding
To show up when hope is fading away.
There's nothing I hear
But heartbeats singing love song
From afar, moving closer and closer.
Love is never faraway,
It's just hiding to find a way
To disclose what's true in
Expression and will always stay.
my last wefie with her, physically faraway but her love always stays
Riding The Wind
Riding the wind, Love
Across the route Love chooses
On behalf of love--
wind is pushing her pedaling a journey to the heart of life
Head Bowed to Love
I'm bowing this head
Like sunflower to the sun
That sets then slips down.
It’s not easy to lose. It’s not easy to lose my mother. It’s not easy to lose my mother who has been so gently loving all of us. It’s not easy to lose my mother who has been so gently loving all of us with the ups and downs in our relationships. It’s not easy to lose her indeed.
This is the day on which I have to totally live normal without her presence. Today is the last day when most of our family members gather in her home. One by one we are going back to reality bringing a gaping hole in our heart called “mother, how are you today”.
No WhatsApp. No call. No monthly bank transfer. No laugher of silly things. No sad cry. No gossip about my late father. No “what’s for lunch”. No “have you taken your pills?”. No this. No that. Small things that built a castle called love have stopped coming; one by one the memories that we’ve saved fade away.
I just hope that this castle can be a temple where I worship love, not other types of building. ๐
Forgotten
Love can live in a song,
But what can love do when a song is
Forgotten?
None but an old book,
Dusty and unread--
Life is just like that.
it’s ok to be forgotten as life is just like that
love never lives in a vacuum chamber; it grows with bias of lovers who mightn’t have known deeper layers of love that can only be clearly understood with the understanding of one’s self, never with anything else
silently I’ve paid attention to someone and how one acts in public
the last song has been forgotten so it’s time for me to truly withdraw – no I don’t want to get hurt by someone that I hope not hurting me (but doing it on and on maybe without one’s knowledge of hurting me)
it’s my last day of bereavement leave of my dear mother’s passing and I want to spend it with full relaxation, watching whatever within my reach for the next one hour, then read books on and off the whole day inserted with writing what’s popped out in mind & talking to families members who are still staying until end of this week in my mother’s home
I just want to rest….
Do You Know?
Do you know, my love
Love has no definition
But that undefined--
this love is as old as the earth before she was born….
this love is as vast as the universe and non universe of which she was yet not born….
this love is as deep as the riverbed that has no end of the abyss that greets….
this love is as true as the love itself that has no definition as truth is layered and its finale is love itself
I just want to be loved by love that I love in which love loves love itself.
โฃ๏ธ
Ibu
It’s my first morning without my mom’s messages.
It feels….
Singapore, 2017 with Ibu – she didn’t know I was sick & neither did I yet she complained about my body weight that according to her was indicating something she didn’t know what…. a mother knows her daughter
It was so fun – everyday was jalan-jalan… I know she didn’t enjoy being out of hone too long as she was a homebody but I made her
terima kasih, Ibu
๐
Ibu
Aku sayang Ibu.
our last video call
the last time I saw you was just yesterday when I had a video call with Yogi & Ocka – you smiled sweetly โบ๏ธโ๏ธ๐โฃ๏ธ
terima kasih, Ibu…. ๐โ๏ธโฃ๏ธ
Ibu
Aku tak pernah tahu
Rasa apa yang lain
Darimu buatku
Selain cinta.
Aku tak pernah tahu
Hadiah apa yang lain
Darimu buatku
Selain doa.
Tapi kau pasti tahu
Aku salah paham akan cintamu,
Aku sering lupa mendoakanmu,
Kau juga tahu aku akan tahu.
Aku tahu.
Jangan ragu, Ibu.
ibu, you annoyed me by not opening the video โบ๏ธโฃ๏ธ
in Jogja โ๏ธ๐โฃ๏ธ
Ibu
No one, Ibu
But
You
Who loves me without questioning,
Trusts me without doubting,
Gives all to me without expecting,
Lets go off your belonging for me without counting,
Does all for me without calculating.
Is it because you are a perfect human being?
But no!
It's because you see your perfection in me and
See my imperfection in you.
I always said I don't want to be like you.
You're too perfect to be copied:
Your patience:
Being abandoned,
Left,
Betrayed,
Cheated,
Lied to,
Hated,
Marginalised,
And so much more.
Your gift:
Being generous,
Kind,
Soft,
Lovely,
Caring,
Acceptant,
Lovable,
Humane,
And so much more.
Dear, Ibu.
I want to talk about you
All the time now
Because I can't talk to you
Anymore.
Yes I can
But without your voice
Kicking softly on my eardrums
Giggling about our silly days.
But I assure you:
I am letting you go wholeheartedly,
I will take care of your legacy,
I will love those whom you love, too.
Ibu, I wish I could still
hug you....
ibu, terima kasih ya….
Ibu
Terima kasih ya
Sudah jadikanku bagian badanmu,
Bagian jiwamu,
Bagian hidupmu.
Cuma kamu yang tiap pagi WhatsApp aku selama 13 tahun setiap pagi di manapun aku berada.
Aku kadang sebel
Tapi sering tidak sebel,
Aku suka. Rasanya seperti kau manja.
Aku janji hanya kuingat yang bikin aku makin dekat denganmu.
Sedihmu,
Bahagiamu,
Sakitmu,
Sehatmu,
Janjimu,
Cintamu.
you might not be the smartest woman on earth but trust me, Ibu you are the wisest of all – I won’t replace you with anyone
๐
terima kasih yaaa….
๐
Ibu
Ibu,
Thank you for becoming the gate for me to this life.
One day I said to you,
"Who knows I'll have a daughter like you have me?"
You said,
"Amen. Pray. All is good."
Then I said to you again,
"Do you love me?"
You said,
"All mothers love the children."
I said again,
"But I think you love my brothers better because they are men and I'm a woman who is not considered more valuable in our tradition?"
You smiled saying,
"You are stronger. Much stronger."
ibu, terima kasih ya โบ๏ธ
Life Is A Trip
If I'm in a trip,
I'd be with the Lone Ranger,
Or with my Tonto.
I’m 50 years old next week. I still want to live next many years in good health although this body needs to compromise with speed and strength. And I want to have more trips– both professional and personal.
While professionally I go alone almost all of the time and not expect to change it; I’d like to have a travel buddy personally.
He should be….
๐
someone that knows how to pack nicely both in backpack & suitcase
someone that doesn’t have to stay in 5-star as long as it’s with me
someone that doesn’t bother to have ice cream because the restaurant is fully booked
someone who is not ashamed to have fun in simple way although it looks weirdly cheap
someone who likes to sing under the rain
someone who rides motorbike… yaaay!
who drives much better than I do
he’s my Lone Ranger or Tonto, whichever he needs to be when with me
who?
not sure, I won’t overthink as I can find all those within me except the driving one ๐
I’m gonna be 50 &
yes I’m just me that’s gonna be 50 wholeheartedly.
Fire
This fire, Beloved
Lights up. It dies not; just dims
When night is warmer.
once ignited, this love won’t die — an eternal flame
I won’t stop talking until it’s time to stop talking. Sometimes I will hurt some human beings that have hurt those I love.
This time I’m so angry with some politicians, stupid idiot ones in Indonesia who ran away after making big wound in our people’s heart.
No, I won’t stop. I will keep this flame within & this time constantly without!
Sorry, I might wave the flag too strongly but that’s not to hurt, it’s to show them that we’re not afraid!
Sorry, I might tread these steps too strongly but that’s not to hurt, it’s to show them that we’re all in a coordination that might not be detected.
Dear, Indonesia. I might not be able to give you much but I won’t stop talking to give warnings to those I love so they’re protected from those that want to destroy the sovereign of the people, the justice of the governance, the love among the burning souls in our community.
It might not be easy for me, for you, for them; yet we will make it!
Let’s keep this fire to live forever,
In this piece of heaven on earth called Indonesia.
Yes! The future is beautiful & grand! And it’s close. So close, my Motherland.
โ๏ธโฅ๏ธ๐ฎ๐ฉ
rike jokanan 
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