I never want to hurt myself, I just didn’t know who you are. I got hurt by a cactus in a desert Who pricks little fingers, Who just want to touch this life softly, Not hurting, not taking anything away.
Wounded, I decided to blame stupidity: Why did I have to have to have to have to have to just touch cacti? I should have left that arid land long before I touched a prickly spirit.
A delayed regret is less important than a lesson learned but it always gives a story the most significant pivot.
Now I’ll just admire from here From where I stand With millions of prayers For a secret journey. Yet I know you are a ghost days and nights.
Someday when I pour down the rain, You’ll know. Love is as sweet as water in drought— Maybe— If it is not late....
Hujan banyak bercerita. Rintiknya, derasnya, harum tanah yang tertimpa rinainya, segar hawa yang terhirup ke dalam lubang hidung, tusukan jejarum halusnya di titik-titik syaraf, raupan basahnya ketika telapak tangan mengusap muka dan sensasi hujan yang bergesekan dengan indera. Mereka telah membentuk jejak-jejak sejarah hidup. Yang terlupakan dan yang terkenangkan selama usia.
Malam ini hujan turun, kembali membasuh lembaran kenangan. Lantunan lagu-lagu mengentalkan rasa rindu pada Kekasih.
Sudah bermalam-malam rasa cinta ini tumbuh sejak kusadari rindu tak tertahankan.
Dulu. Dulu sekali, aku pikir rindu itu datangnya dari cinta. Baru tersadari di usiaku yang sekian ini bahwa cinta itu buah rindu.
Cinta itu lubang rindu nan tak pernah berhenti menganga.
Kupikir setelah patah hati, aku tak akan mencinta lagi. Pendapat itu tinggal pendapat semu, nyatanya rasa itu datang lagi. Yang menyedihkan adalat jatuh cinta pada Dia yang sama, makin lama makin besar cintanya.
Kugali dan kugali lagi. Bukan cinta sebab semua ini.
Rindu lah yang bertanggung-jawab atas penderitaan cinta.
Rindu lah yang seharusnya kupersalahkan.
Titik-titik hujan di jendela telah berubah menjadi aliran-aliran air. Cinta yang mulanya berupa bercak-bercak di permukaan hati menjelma menjadi danau yang menjadi pengawet hati.
Hati keras menjadi melembut. Yang dulunya tegar mudah terharu. Hati yang penuh dengan nama-nama perlahan hanya mengandungi satu nama. Satu saja.
Pernahkah kau jatuh cinta?
Jika kau mengaku belum, kau harus segera mengalaminya.
Rasa ini menyiksa tapi membuat indah dunia.
Setiap mengingat Dia, manusia memulas warna baru pada senyum dan sorotan mata.
Ketika menyadari bahwa kau tak mungkin mendapatkan Dia, kau menyegarkan hati dengan pemakluman bahwa tak semua uluran tangan disambut dengan ramah.
Segeralah jatuh cinta, sebelum sang waktu menorehkan akhir cerita di kitabmu.
Jatuh cintalah dan warnai rindumu dengan kebaikan hati, penerimaan dan pemakluman. Atau jika cintamu masih muda; marahlah, kecewalah, berteriaklah, panggil namanya dengan penuh rasa niscaya hatimu akan dipenuhi dengan makna hidup yang sesungguhnya.
Rasa rinduku tak pernah hilang. Tak akan pernah sirna.
Wahai Kekasih, semakin hari rindu ini semakin menguar memekat di udara, dihirup olehku dan sesama manusia. Dan cinta ini tak akan berakhir; mungkinkah kita bersua? Doaku melagukan sebuah perjumpaan. Atau jika kita tidak ditentukan berjumpa, aku tak mau lagi berjumpa walau sekali, tak sudi kumau berjumpa.
Hujan tak kunjung berhenti. Alunan musik itu masih ada.
The sun is out, the sky is blue
There's not a cloud to spoil the view
But it's raining, raining in my heart
The weatherman says clear today
He doesn't know you've gone away
And it's raining, raining in my heart
Oh, misery, misery
What's gonna become of me?
I tell my blues they mustn't show
But soon these tears are bound to flow
'Cause it's raining, raining in my heart
But it's raining, raining in my heart
And it's raining, raining in my heart
Oh, misery, misery
What's gonna become of me?
I tell my blues they mustn't show
But soon these tears are bound to flow
'Cause it's raining, raining in my heart
Raining in my heart
Raining in my heart
Sometimes love is just a weird feeling that bobs up and down in the consciousness…. Above the surface of emotion, I’ve missed a dog that is lying down under a wooden sofa spending his happy days, thanking Universe for the second chance….
Moppy, do you know that deep down in my heart your name is echoing against any possible walls, unlimited….
You are blessed….
How are you boy? I hope you are in good shape, though I know you are not perfectly shaped.
Do you know I miss you? Yes, I know you know I do….
Please be happy, count your days in joy before you decide to go across the bridge.
When you are ready to go, please whisper to me. Don’t say good bye, just say good start. Touch my heart with your warm love.
Moppy, you’ve been a good dog. Not that good but you don’t make a lot of complaints and you’ve strongly survived. A tough, stubborn dog you are. A real buddy in a low tide. You make us keep going.
Moppy, if we don’t have time to meet before you go — or before I go — please always remember I love you. I know you love me, too….
Moppy, you still refuse to be bathed? Gosh! Such a selfish dog 🙂
But that’s ok as long as you are clean…. You are wiped, right? Don’t say no! 🙂
Moppy, you’ve taught me a lot of things.
To be strong
To forgive
To accept the worst
To let go………………………………………………………………………………………..
To love
Thank you, Moppy….
I can’t stop loving you. Let’s exchange blessings through the wind….
Rasanya kangen menjadi anak-anak ketika apapun tak membuatku dinilai – betas sebebas kucing mau tidur, meang-meong, berantem, berteman dengan siapapun tanpa ragu berbagi cerita.
Asyik sekali jadi kanak-kanak. Memandang sesuatu tidak dengan penghakiman dan tidak takut dihakimi karena yang kutahu adalah suka dan ketulusan. Nggak takut orang nggak suka….
Mau bagaimana, sekarang sudah dewasa mau bertingkah mesti mikir umur, lingkungan mengawasi dengan berbagai macam mata: mulai mata buta hingga mata mikroskop.
Oh, ternyata masih ada rasa takut di hatiku – mau tak mau kualami saja. Nggak ada salahnya jadi dewasa di depan orang dewasa dan menjadi kanak dalam kesendirianku dan di hadapan para pengembara. Mereka para pengembara itu tak sempat menghakimi karena bicaranya adalah hakim bagi dirinya sendiri, pandangan matanya adalah pantulan bayangannya sendiri, semua tentang dirinya sendiri maka mereka tak akan murka. Kanak-kanak adalah bagian dari kejujuran.
Gambar dipinjam dari http://cosmic-soup.com/nasal-breathing/
Marah, marahlah secara kanak-kanak – secara jujur, bukan kepura-puraan, kemarahan yang menyentuh, karena sepatu satu-satunya dicolong bukan karena sepasang dari sepuluh pasang sepatumu hilang. Sedih karena kucingnya mati bukan karena patung kucing keramikmu jatuh dan pecah. Malu karena masuk kelas terlambat, bukan karena tidak juara….
Tak mudah menjadi kanak-kanak karena kemurnian yang dijalankan. Ah, ini bukan kanak-kanak lagi; hanya teori ha ha ha….
Yah, sudahlah…. Biar kuhadirkan diriku dalam kesendirian saja. Khalayak hanya suka dipuja…. Nafas mereka adalah keramaian, aku mati di dalamnya. Nafasku harus keheningan, saat nafaspun tak sadar siapa dirinya…..
Yio Chu Kang Rd – 5 September 2014, 12:05 dini hari
Can I deny that I do? The only thing I can do is to be able to forgive myself for all mistakes I have done in my life so far.
This is not easy to forgive others and even much more difficult to forgive my own self who have committed mistakes – many – of which part are planned. I don’t want to talk about the planned mistakes. Let’s just talk about mistake that is just mistake…..
My father passed away just one day before I got home. I planned to see him after so long I left my house for work in Jakarta. I was in a hard time adapting the cruel capital city that was blessing me with my first job after graduating from university. I was a secretary in a small company by then. My boss was a very pious person that treated all employees very well but then his company was not big enough to make me enough-paid to buy ticket to pay homage to my parents. So…. I had to save money for almost one year and of course to take a “decent” leave. I call it “decent” because I was needed badly to support other departments so that I did not dare to file for a leave at any chosen time.
That is my biggest mistake, it was almost unforgivable. I cease blaming on my self after so many years….. I cried when I remembered how painful it was to be poor and not able to pay a visit to beloved father who was sick and dying….. And, probably he was missing me so much. Please forgive me, oh my own self….
Then it happened again just this year.
Bob, my cat son was sick. I should have been able to pay him a visit. The ticket was affordable for me. It was just because the time did not allow. It took a long hour from Singapore to my mom’s house. From Changi airport I have to fly to Surabaya which is no problem at all, but from Surabaya to my mom’s house it would take 5 hours and so I have to spare at least 24 hours for the travel. I did not have that much time at that time…..
So, I let him die without me around…. This is almost unforgivable, too. I was sinking below all roots, could not see the beautiful flowers of my life in which those beloved ones nurtured before…..
Then….
I reconcile with my self.
What should I do? All is over.
My beloved father and son passed away when I was away. That might be what they wanted. They did not want me to see them die. They wanted me to just see how happy their life was when I was around.
They have always wanted me to commemorate their good days. They have always wanted me to celebrate our togetherness in a positive way. Like they have been saying to me “Be happy, Rike. We are always happy with you…. Celebrate our life with your good memories. Don’t cry for us. Smile for us. We will meet again in the next life.”
So then I tell myself softly that I should forgive my own self because my father and my son have forgiven me. They will never hate me just because I never touched their bodies before they were buried. Their souls have been surrounding me from then on, so they are never away because of being separated by the container called physical body.
Oye, Self….. Please cherish the love. Never forget that the soul can be communicated with even when the bodies are cremated or buried or decayed in unknown places….. Ask the souls to talk to you, listen to your explanation and apology, sincere apology.
It is never too late to realise.
Soul is always here. In the same matrix and ready to mediate.
So, please use the time while you are awake. Tell them how much you love them, how strong we are all connected and how big the sorrow will be if the forgiveness is not shared…..
My closest family is Bob – a stray cat I adopted about five years ago when I was living in a rented room in Tangerang. Bob came to my landlady’s house every afternoon when I got home. I used to sit on one sofa inside or outside the house when he started to look at my chewing mouth.
“Are you hungry, cat?” From then on I never forgot to bring some food for him.
Now he is with my mom, in her village — 1,921 kilometres away from Singapore.
He is a spoiled son of mine. Almost all of my mom’s neighbours know that Bob is my “son” and they never dare disturb – if only all knew. Some don’t know and they would do things bad if they feel my cat (or any other cats) don’t behave… Oh man…. You behave please, a cat purely behave – you just don’t know.
I post Bob’s pictures on my fridge’s body and on the board of my workstation. I will greet his face in the photos everyday when I am in town. When I am traveling I kiss and smile at his saved pics in my smartphone. I feel like Bob is never far from me. My love and care for him is just the same from the first time I trained him to get used to my skin by touching on my toes on his body until finally he is fond of being caressed and stroked.
I sometimes salute him a Namaste from here just to whisper to his soul that we are never apart. Oh, what a special cat he is. Yes, indeed.
Bob was the only friend of mine when everybody did not want to be with me. Bob was the one staring at me when I was crying alone in my house. Bob was the one reminding me when there was someone climbing up to my house rooftop and saved me. Bob was the one who reminded me that there is always a soul caring…. And, he is the one making me so much full of energy in earning money. I sent some money to my mom to buy some food for him and of course for my mom…. 🙂 So simple my motivation, it is just a cat and a woman.
This Chinese New Year I hope I can go back home again to see Bob. I will let him know that my love to him is across the border. Not just a river I can sail across but it is the sky that I fly across to find good life for him.
Hi Bob, thanks for being my dear son for the past five years. Please behave, be healthy and live long. I always miss you….
Yio Chu Kang Rd – January 17, 2014 – 10:13pm
It was when he was sick before I went to a business trip for 3 days, I put him in an animal clinic that did not take care of him as well as I expected. Well, it was then…. Now he is ok with my mom and sisters.
To me, this airport has one added value. It provides nature presentation among those modern establishments. Some spots are decorated with plants and pools full with koi fish. In Chinese culture, this fish is believed to bring luck and wealth. In one central point is two giant bouquets of flower arrangement with flow of water and sounds of forest are played…. So much like surrounded by atmosphere of rain forest.
I took some pics of orchids planted in one spot of Changi, just to remember some pots of orchids I raised at home in Indonesia and that I left to reach my dream….
Thanks to the designer and idea owner of this concept. I am a villager – an alien – in Singapore that will eventually be sent to transit in Changi airport whenever I miss my beloved country which has (left over of) rain forests.
Not a professional works but these pictures are captured by eyes unstoppably reaching out for peaceful life…. Feel the vibration….
Blurred but beautiful
A family getting together
Pinky and white
This is I’ve never seen before.
Bigger blossoms
Let’s peep the happy beauty.
Another peep
Closer? Wants to give you a macro but…. it is a smartphone, not easy to adjust to get the best by this learner… Come on, it is just a step from the real sweet macro. Let’s call “almost macro”.
How I feel hurt to see animals slaughtered for fun, for consumption, for pride
How I feel hurt to see those creatures without defense accept whatever humans want them to be.
Is it after I dig the love between my Bob cat and me?
Or, is it just because it is time when I unseal the hidden key?
Or, is it just an accidental sensitivity in me?
Just now I mistakenly switched on TV to a channel showing a tortoise slaughtered alive! The guilt lingers and tortures my sleeping time. No sleep then. Then it reminds me to topeng monyet that comes to exploitation rather than animal training. Also it drives me crazier when I remember how Kebun Binatang Surabaya animal “collections” get weaker and weaker because the care takers do not care about the animals. They said they lack of money? Then just send those animals to other zoos rather than selfishly claim the poor responsibility of national asset. God damn animals are not national! It is global asset! Once they are distinct, the mankind should mourn!
I go too far… I am being sensitive. I am missing a thing, Bob Kucing. He’s been my savior in my bad times; he’s been alarm of consciousness of oneness. It is too far. I am not supposed to talk about sensitivity. It is merely about my dear cat… Is it?
Beberapa orang merasa bahwa cintanya pada dunia tidak sebesar cintanya pada Tuhan. Mereka mengklaim diri bahwa mereka mengabdikan hidupnya untuk Tuhan. Saya meragukan diri saya dalam hal tersebut karena nyatanya memang tidak demikian yang saya alami.
Saya masih belum menikah tapi saya punya kemelekatan yang tak kalah lekat dibanding dengan kemelekatan antara dua pasangan atau anak dan ibunya atau anak dan bapaknya. Saya sangat lekat dengan kucing saya yang saya namai Bob. Kata kuncinya adalah sangat. Sangat adalah kata keterangan yang membuat kata sifat yang mengikutinya berlipat. Kemelekatan saya pada kucing saya berlipat beberapa kali dibanding dengan kemelekatan kepada kucing lain atau hal lain, tentunya kecuali orang-orang yang memang mendapatkan tempat istimewa yang sama dengan si Bob Kucing ini.
Saya tidak menyesal memiliki Bob. Tetapi kata kunci memiliki itulah yang membuat saya agak merasa bersalah. Seharusnya saya tidak pernah mendeklarasikan diri bahwa saya adalah pemilik kucing yang buat saya bagai guardian angel ini. Dengan memiliki Bob saya terbukti tidak siap meninggalkan dia atau ditinggalkan dia. Tiap saya akan dinas ke luar kota, saya selalu berharap saya tidak perlu menginap sehingga tidak perlu meninggalkan dia sendiri atau jikalau sore hingga petang sahabat saya Nining dengan telaten dan sabar menemani piaraan saya itu maka malamnya si meong mesti bobo di luar rumah dan menurut saya itu kurang menyenangkan.
Bob Kucing ini kucing lokal sehingga ada sementara orang yang menganggap saya berlebihan. Sebagian orang Indonesia menganggap bahwa hanya kucing ras-lah yang mesti disayangi dengan cara special seperti: membelikan makanan khusus feline (kucing) dan vitamin segala ubarampen (perlengkapan) kucing, mengobatkannya seperti manusia jika sakit, membiarkannya menikmati rumah seperti anak-anak atau ponakan-ponakan mengharu-biru rumah, menjaganya selayaknya menjaga diri kita… Tidak mengapa karena pendapat boleh berbeda.
Saya tidak sedikitpun merisaukan diri saya kecuali satu: bahwa saya dan Bob mulai saling terikat. Akhir-akhir ini dia sangat dekat dengan saya baik secara fisik maupun batin. Kalau saya di rumah dia ngikut kemana pun saya bergerak bahkan kalau saya mandi dia nggeluntung (berbaring telungkup, Bahasa Jawa) di keset depan kamar mandi. Kalau saya sedang bekerja malam, dia nongkrong diatas tumpukan kertas atau kalau sedang kesal dia nangkring diatas laptop saya, kadang dia menggoda melompat ke atas TV dan menjatuhkan antene sambil mengeong manja. Kalau saya tidur dia biasanya akan melompat keatas selimut tebal saya: dia tidak pernah mau masuk ke bawah selimut dalam waktu lama karena mungkin merasa panas. Dan, masih banyak lagi kegiatan dia yang menunjukkan keakraban dan kenyamanan kami bersama.
Ada satu lagi: dia mulai bisa merasa tidak suka kalau saya tugas keluar kota dan menginap. Sehari sebelum saya berangkat dia sudah ngroweng (rewel, Bahasa Jawa), nempel-nempel ke kaki atau badan saya, meang-meong kesana-kemari, pura-pura sesak napas dan yang biasanya Cuma mau digendong dalam hitungan 3 – 5 detik jadi bertahan sampai satu menit dan sambil mendekur-dekur pula.
Kemelekatan pada kucing saya sungguh kadang membuat saya bertanya-tanya: pantas saja ada ibu yang akhirnya malas bekerja meninggalkan rumah lha wong ada yang nggondheli di rumah dan mengurus anak tentunya menyebabkan stress yang lebih rendah daripada harus berinteraksi dengan macetnya jalanan dan kompetisi dalam karir (bisa saja saya salah tapi paling tidak inilah kesimpulan saya melihat para ibu yang kadang nggak masuk kerja karena “nggak tega ninggal anak”).
Kemelekatan ini harus saya atasi karena kalau tidak membuat saya tidak produktif dan cenderung menuruti kemalasan. Tentunya Bob Kucing tahu bahwa dia disayang sehingga dia punya strategi untuk “tidak ditinggalkan” atau “tidak diabaikan” karena pa
sti kalau saya pergi orang lainlah yang mengurus dia yang notabene tidak se-rempong saya. Saya selalu memastikan bahwa air minum dia baru dan dari gallon atau direbus dulu (kadang dioplos dengan air hangat), vitamin juga selalu saya takar, makanan saya pastikan dihabiskan sesuai porsi, kaki-kaki saya lap dan dubur & alat vital saya lap, telinga dan gigi saya periksa, hidung saya bersihkan, cek bulu dan ekor dari kutu dan serangga, sering kali juga saya ajak ngobrol sekaligus saya ciumin hidungnya dan adu dahi ha ha ha…
Kemelekatan itu tidak boleh terjadi walau saya sangat menyayangi makhluk yang oleh tetangga sebelah saya dibiling “Halah, cuma kucing aja segitunya”. Bodo ammmmaaaat, kata saya tak kalah bangga ha ha ha…
Begitulah kemelekatan itu begitu besar sehingga pernah saya memimpikan Bob Kucing mati dan paginya saya menangis dan menggendong-gendong dia dan saya ciumi.
“Kamu jangan mati dulu ya, Bob… Paling tidak kau hidup 12 tahun bersamaku; tapi kau boleh mati sebelum aku, biar kau tetap ada yang mengurus…”
Kucingku tadi malam menemaniku mencuci. Dia meringkuk di atas keset kamar mandi sambil mengikuti gerakan saya mencuci. Sesekali dia meang-meong tiap saya panggil namanya. Pagi ini dia memanggil saya, minta keluar. Untungnya saya jug sedang ada acara keluar rumah, jadi kami berangkat bersama.
“Nanti malam pulang jam 7 ya, Bob…”
“Meooooong….” Entah apa artinya, yang pasti rasa sayang kami ada dan saya belajar membuang kemelekatan.
Kerinduan adalah gelembung udara yang mengurungku, membangkitkan kesadaran tentang sebuah kehidupan yang membalut hati namun tak teraba-terasa oleh syaraf jariku.
Jika gelembung itu pecah maka hadirlah aliran udara mengipasi jantung yang berkeringat berpacu mengejar namamu. Sehabis itu atas nama cinta terderaku oleh pudarnya keyakinan bahwa rindu itu terformulasi obatnya. Rindu tertawar oleh bahagia. Dua titik terpadu bercengkerama melantunkan rayu syahdu menggelora. Waktu terhenti setatapan mata.
Lalu kuhirup udara ketika detik menepukku. Lagi, gelembung itu membungkusku saat kuhembuskan napasku mengantar langkahmu.
rike jokanan 
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