graphs of my Universe
Red leaves, Beloved
Gracefully fall on the lap
Of Mother Nature,
Garnishing coloured autumn
Welcoming benign winter.
Dream, dream, Beloved.
As vibrant as you wish to,
As sweet as you want.
Youβre red leaves lightheartedly
Flying decorating life.
βββββββββββββββββββββ
I wish all my good dreams come true. And all of yours, too ππΌ
Salam.
Time travels with you
To where good memories sit,
Waiting to rejoice.
βββββββββββββββββββ-
When I was a girl, I got sick very often. Yet what I remember the most isnβt the pain but is how my family would take care of me. Of course they medically treated me either at home or hospitalised, but there was a unique way I can never forget what my mother, father and siblings did extra.
My father would chant Javanese mantra that would calm me down. My mother would wrap me with a sheet of batik cloth before putting the next thicker blanket. And of course siblings especially sisters would sleep with me the whole night.
What Javanese mantra chanted by father? Oh canβt remember! What batik, I definitely remember it and now own it for the same need; covering myself with batik gringsing when sick.
Gringsing is one of the oldest batik background patterns in Java. It is thousands of tiny square with a dot in the center symbolising βsedulur papat kalima pancerβ (literally means 4 siblings and 1 core as the fifth) the cosmic balance of human reality in Javanese wisdom. And through the philosophy it is believed that when a Javanese human is sick, s/he is cosmically imbalanced and needs to be balanced. Physically s/he is medically treated, metaphysically s/he is cured with gringsing the balance symbol.
Gringsing is an acronym of gring or gering (sick, not well, ill) and sing (not); gringsing means not sick anymore. Oh! That simple! Made by hand! Oh! Not that simple!
What a blessed human being!
Across rainbow bridge,
Wings bring a tiny light up
High to where it glows.
ββββββββββββββββββββ-
Iβm surrounded by animal lovers and rescuers. Every now and then I see how they struggle with animals in pain or death. Itβs not easy each time those friends have to say good bye but at the same time they learn again and again that the best end is by releasing sincerely and being released sincerely.
Happy journey, Dear. Thanks for all the lessons you have taught us.
Alfatihah πππΌ
Itβs about flower in its life cycle.
A flower blooms, dries to fall off or falls to dry at time in place for a given moment. It lives then dies. It blossoms or prematurely drops.
Some flowers are admired, some are not even noticed. Some are vibrantly coloured, some are dead dull. Some are meticulous, some are straightly simple. Some produce edible fruits, some the poisonous.
Itβs about flower, the beauty in itself, although most view points perceive the look differently. Absolute beauty sits where it is, lingering forever as values and concepts. Relative beauty fades away through aging, some even without being remembered as memory or history.
Itβs about flower, the one in a palace and that in a lawn.
Salam. Alfatihah.
Even though theyβre weed,
Theyβre flower, ready to bloom.
Truly as they are.
βββββββββββββββββββ
Respect each other as all of us have become us with no choice but traveling the paths weβve agreed to sign up. Early termination doesnβt apply; life is about starting and completing whatβs written.
Respect each other. At leastβ¦.
π
Live once, no regret,
Said banana trees. They die
After giving fruits.
ββββββββββββββββββ
Aging, Beloved,
Counting blessings everydayβ
Feeling challenging?
ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
Sometimes a challenge or deadline is needed like fertiliser sprinkled on to the soil to trigger more chemical, biological, physical reactions from the root dancing in the ground to go deeper and healthier so that the tree grows even stronger and taller.
ι εΌ΅γγΎγγγοΌ
In love, Beloved,
With life witnessed by flowers
That bloom in my heart.
βββββββββββββββββββ
I love but also donβt love myself.
Know not, Beloved
This path about to end when
And where. I trust you.
ββββββββββββββββββ-
Trust is what sheβs been holding tight because without it sheβs lost the grip against so much magnetic force around that will pull her into a gaping hole, where greediness can consume anyone till no end.
Thanks, Beloved, for giving me a life thatβs imperfect but perfectly humbling me in many ways.
I trust You; voluntarily or forcefully.
π
Her life, Beloved,
Perfectly-directed film
Ready for Oscarsβ
ββββββββββββββββ
She sometimes forgets that life is a performed script in which she is casted to act out a given role the best she can. She should follow the directorβs direction and directive.
What about spectators? She should ignore spectators. Spectators are stars whose job is to see and comment on the film. And they pay for what they see and comment. The payment goes to the stars!
So, dear Star. Fix your moves. Better your expression. Tag your ears with the melody. Live in harmony, with your own self like Javanese Bedhaya performers who are meditatively drowned in the sacred composition.
Oscars are waiting.β¦
β¦. Only if you play all out!
Heart and soul dancing through body π
Alhamdulillah π»
River, Beloved,
Flows. Let things go with the flow
From, in, through, to you.
βββββββββββββββββββββ
Feel the flow: calm, swift, pushing, breaking, splashing, swirling, stuck, moving. No matter what, flow.
A home, Beloved
Not an outlookβ itβs the soul
That hugs when inside.
βββββββββββββββββββββ-
I bought my first property at 34, a bit late from the original plan simply because I was broke. It was a small house in Greater Jakarta, that is now called βRumah Bobβ (literally Bobβs home) named after my cat Bob.
It is one tiny house in a small cluster, uniformly designed with minimum freedom to show βmeβ β the owner can only have it painted different colours, install different window sills, plant different flowers and design different garden, add different carport, or maybe buy different cars.
That has motivated me to have a home that reflects βthe me that I want to presentβ. None of the houses offered to me by brokers or friends hit my core although some were into my tasteβ of course some were simply too pricy. π© I rejected all offers.
Apology – Some people (who helped search property for me) thought I was too much because for some of them a house is simply a place to live in comfort, while Iβve always dreamt to live in a home where I can express the true me and help my guests understand their true selves by visiting the home. A few of them sarcastically said I shouldnβt have searched through them if I didnβt have enough money β ohhhhhh some bloody stings!!! π Yet I did apologise to them for being so difficult.
I decided to buy a small plot of land in a greenery in Yogyakarta (my fatherβs home town) and build a home from scratch.
Architect – Itβs very important to choose the right architect. Not necessarily the most prominent as to me integrity and friendship is the most important thing – luckily my best friend recommended her student to work on my dream. Working with an architect who was artist had blessed me. She understood what was wanted by her clients but she never got satisfied even when the clients said the final draft was excellent. She would get back to me saying βMbak, I think I find which part should be optimised. Iβll get back to you with a new draft.β Thanks to Mbak Novi.
The Core – My home will never impress random onlookers from the outlook or those who think a good house is a luxurious building; they will simply think itβs a humble abode clean and fresh. It will only impress its guests, family and friends who truly relate with me as human beings with different kinds of engagements or those who know how to appreciate humanity and ordinary.
I wish to be granted health and prosperity to live long enough to enjoy being a sincere host in my true home to those who love life.
A dream come true! Alhamdulillah.
May all beings be happy. π
Garden, Beloved,
Fertilized with poisons? Dead!
Cinder rose goes off.
βββββββββββββββββββ
A group call with my brother and sister in law is mostly either stupid or crazy. Once we talked about the old time passing and our addiction.
How someone gets addicted to something is mostly started from a physical or mental exit of painβ either clinically prescribed or personally decidedβ followed by excessive dependency on the substances or the activities.
Iβve seen how people addicted to medicine (I was to pain killer), drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, etc have changed from beautiful human beings into ugly persons either physically or mentally. Itβs how awful co-dependency shapes someoneβs life. Moreover, there is no addiction in any history that brings true happiness or freedom.
Three of us then discussed about someone who was addicted to something unusual: spiritual drills. Having all resources, the person went shopping on various classes and workshops about spirituality and self help such as meditation, mindfulness, tapping therapy, money magnet and how to optimise it spiritually, how to activate chakra, yoga and blahblahblah, gemstones and their spiritual power, mandala and spiritual awakening, how spiritual life pull financial abundance, spiritual traveling around many places, etc. One had been in oneβs 60th class last time we met. One would be able to answer all questions in any possible ways. I called one βMr/Ms Know Allβ, a euphemistic nick name that might be loved by those addicted to power and authority. Some friends called this person βMr/Ms Spiritual Junkyβ.
What I remember about this person is that no one around was genuinely appreciated, everyone was just a βwho-are-you-you-think-youβre-better-than-meβ. One called most of oneβs friends βcantrikβ, a Javanese word that literally means follower/helper and would never be up to oneβs level (one called oneβs self healer and universe map reader).
How ironic! From someone who were full of compassion to someone who were full of envy and insecurityβ
I think many if not all people to some extent were once addict who learned the lessons and changed the patterns to be free from co-dependency. My brother was a heavy smoker, been stopping for around 3 years. My sister in law was a Korean drama freak and quit. I myself was addicted to those I fell for and heavily overthinking.
βI almost got addicted to someone again.β
βLet go! Let go! Let go!β said they to me like cheerleaders.
Definitely! Itβs a waste to wait for emotionally unavailable people to care that I care about them. Iβm ok to get soaked in love and compassion but not in addiction to people. π
Addiction, oh addiction.
Alfatihah to all of those who are addicted to anything in any situation. Be healed and blessed.
Was madly in love,
Still amβ¦. Realm is the limit.
β¦. With you, Belovedβ
βββββββββββββββββββββ
Where is the end of love journey? Either hopelessness or time π
Alfatihah π
Nature, Beloved,
Speaks to you about a path
Where wings be North Star
Which gives signs and directions
Only when you walk.
βββββββββββββββββββββ
Only when you know your destination, Beloved, and are willing to take the walk, all signs, symbols and directions become relevant.
Salaamβ¦. π
Mirror on the wall,
Iβm the prettiest of all?
It cracks up. Masks goneβ
ββββββββββββββββββββ-
Ah, weekends of mid December! Work is slowing down on several days. Weekends feel like starting on Friday morning. I have some longer time to talk to the mirror and find that Iβm still there! A hidden innocent rascal nicely sitting behind layers of curtains
Masquerade on break!
π€‘π»π€π½ππΉπΊππ©ππΎπ€
π₯°
May all beings be happy! π
Airβ warm, hot or cold
Glides through all cavities
Of bodies for life.
βββββββββββββββββββββ
I want to forget you for the rest of my life and in the next life and the next next next ones but these senses are too intelligent, able to capture the most minuscule amount of signs and symbols that youβre around.
Let me celebrate your noise everyday. Thank you for knocking on all senses doors.
Salaamβ¦. π
Colours will fade away
At the front gate of
A new season,
Leaving beautiful memories
To the garden.
No regret, Beloved
If all are infused with love.
No right,
No wrong.
Only lessons,
And wisdom
Imprintedβ
Cycle is short;
Life is forever.
Each of the pearls in a strand is perfect when itβs loose. And so is a cycle in your lifeβ
If I owe you one cycle,
Beloved,
Iβll come back
With a bunch of fruits
Ready to harvest.
Ready to taste
By your own sensesβ
See you again,
Beloved.
Choose what seed you want me to grow.
βββββββββββββββββββββ-
Flowers losing petals is a natural phase before plants are harvested for the fruits, the bulbs or other parts. Or, the flowers are the ones harvested to experience falling petals before they dry out naturally. Itβs an end of one cycle at the same time a start of another.
May all beings be happy.
Thanks for everything
Not only abundance, but
Also scarcity.
βββββββββββββββββββββ
Online work mode has made people think creatively to minimize boredom including inserting some fun through dress code in online meetings. This time thanksgiving. Yay!
Iβve read some history and the development of that tradition, not a fans though because I am raised a Javanese who is supposed to thank every day βevery moment if possibleβ with whatever reason. If you donβt have reasons to be grateful, find one.
For being a human being. For being a female. For being one rascal in the family. For being a persistent colleague. For the abundance. For the scarcity. For being me now.
If it is still hard to thank for who you are, Beloved, just be you with the layers of fear, hope and awe.
Thank you! For everything π£
Secretly
You,
Obviously
You,
You here,
You there.
Damn!
You are everywhere.
Iβm awake, remembering
You.
Asleep, dreaming of
You,
Iβm alone, imagining about
You.
Among the crowd, getting attacked by
You.
These five senses recognise the very
You.
Why
You?
No reason why, it is just
You.
But where are
You?
So distant
Yet
So much close.
Oh
Youβ¦.
ββββββββββββββββββββ
πΌ
Lily bulbs come back
Among red leaves in autumn.
Second chance from Herβ
βββββββββββββββββββββ-
What is second chance? Once again? Or again and again like lily bulbs that come back every autumn and bloom beautifully until forever ends?
Mother Nature has taught me that mistake doesnβt come with punishment; it comes with lesson to be a better human being, someone who has purer intention and clearer attention. She consistently brings messages about acceptance that no one will be perfect as imperfection is an included package to realise and/or materialise perfection. That welcoming the next good day is doing the best today. That if the next now called tomorrow is here, the second chance has welcome me to be a better me. A me thatβs more me than beforeβ
I remember my Kyoto trip in 2014, my first encounter with spider lily. Fascinated, I sat down on the grass for quite long time in front of a temple with my camera until a beautiful Japanese (old) lady stopped by me.
βHana! Hana! Hana!β She said smiling, with her thumbs pointed to the lily then to my camera.
βYa! Ya! Ya! Thank you! Beautiful flowers!β
It was a surprise for me. A moment with no preparation. A short act with no anticipation. She just went away with her wise old smile.
That lady was probably sent to me as a second chance to re-define what possibly a Japanese truly looks like as the previous week I didnβt have a good experience with another one in Nagano.
I wonβt probably meet with her again, yet enough for me to know that when Iβm that age, Iβd like to be as friendly and warm as her. π
Thank you for everything that comes with second chance, even second chance after my second chance so that in the second second chance I realise that it is my second chance not to be missed.
Al-Fatihah for all those who miss the second chance and those who are waiting for a second chance.
Salaamβ¦.
Both pictures are borrowed from https://www.japanvisitor.com/japanese-culture/seasons/higanbana
That you feel
Better,
Smarter,
Luckier,
Richer,
Prettier
Than others
Might
Not
Be
Self worth,
Beloved.
βββββββββββββββββββββ
Todayβs discussion with some friends was about self worth. One head, one point of viewβ
My own understanding about self worth has evolved. Its turning point was in 2009 after a broken heart. World was ruined. Hope was (almost) zero. The worst was the way I was cut from the relationship; it made me feel of having no self worth. It was a time of emotionally shutting down like an un-charged computer; functional intellectually and physically but not emotionallyβ zombie in the making.
Dumbest young me!
I thought self worth was when I was do things better than others. Or, knowing more than others. Or, given a lot of things out of the blue as if winning lucky draws again and again. Gaining financial freedom and material things. Or feeling prettier than others (this one very seldom) at least prettier than Bob, my cat.
What is self worth in my system?
β self worth is about utilitarianism. Miriam Webster dictionary says utilitarianism is a doctrine that the useful is the good and that the determining consideration of right conductshould be the usefulness of its consequences; specifically a theory that the aim of action should be the largest possible balance of pleasure over pain or the greatest happiness of the greatest number.
If Iβm good. So what? What have I done for my own self at the same time for others by being good, smart, lucky, financially independent?
If being good, smart, lucky, financially independent doesnβt bring benefits to others; whereβs my worth? Is worth to self not enough, said someone. Not wrong; if the perspective of βselfβ is about taking. In fact, life is always about giving and taking, or taking and giving.
βThe best of people are those that bring most benefit to the rest of mankind,β said Islamic wisdom. It is equivalent with βurip iku urupβ in Javanese wisdom.
Lo! No matter what people perceive about me as long as I do good to my own self and surrounding with good will, so be it.
May all beings be happy. πͺΆ
If your life is a line, Beloved,
What line would you draw?
Straight?
Curve?
Curly?
Zig-zag?
Dotted?
Whatever it is,
Know
It has
A start
And
An end.
!
Well, I prefer making
A
Close-
Looped
Line.
βΎ
Not a chamomile.
A coatbuttons swaying wild,
Through seasons and windsβ
Thousands of its seeds travel
To spread wisdom of the grass.
βββββββββββββββββββββ
Is there anything called limit in earning wisdom? No. Even to realise that a coatbuttons grass is a bearer of wisdom.
That good life doesnβt have to always look great and glamorous. Itβs about realising that a tiny dust makes a universe a whole.
That beautiful life isnβt without challenges. Through the patience of accepting whatβs now and consistently inspiring through little humble thing I know whatβs being human.
That being strong isnβt about beating others in competitions. The real competition is about becoming a better version of myself every day in where Iβm sitting.
That inspiration isnβt always when people call me successful. Being a success is making small decisions for myself that helps others grow at the same time leaves good vibes to myself for more little steps to a place called homely future.
Chamomile tea sipped by aristocrats in afternoon tea tastes elegant and upper class. Yet coatbuttons dancing in a disturbed lawn bear thousands of wisdom to ponder. Itβs about choice of journey though, not right or wrong.
May all beings be happy.
Al Fatihah to celebrating souls on earth. ππΌ
This breeze blows gently
Sending a dowry of Life
From Love, sincerely.
βββββββββββββββββ-
Breatheβ¦. Itβs what Life has shown that Love still wants to live.
Salaam. ππΌ
A strand of white pearls
Harvested in the deep sea
Bedazzles her neck.
ββββββββββββββββββββ
There is time when I regret of whatβs done and nervous about what will happen. Why did I do that? I should have done this. What if I fail again? I am not good enough.
I used to think money was everything with happiness but I prove that money is the biggest illusion in life that I misunderstood. Now I consider money should be merely a tool, never a purpose. Yet I still think of what if my company stock price decreases? π
I used to look for happiness and protection in a relationship. With experiences I become strongly convinced that only a healthy relationship with the self can help me cope with problems; moreover, without healthy relation with my self any relationship with others wonβt work well. Yet I still donβt heal from broken heart easily and still think whether or not I will meet someone I can share some simple happiness and shelter with.
I was between life and death situations more than once for some illness before, and so helpless about future. And gradually I realise that death can come anytime even when people are healthy. Yet I still hope I die when I let go of any confusion and live in clarity.
However, there is time when I know that only in the now I can accept everything. In the now I can shed tears with mixture of gratefulness for whatβs breaking my heart and blessings of whatβs boosting the quality of life. In the now I can smile just by seeing piling laundry waiting for ironing. In the now I can see the canvas is the door of self healing. In the now I can imagine sending a cake full of love for my loved ones who live in many different places, whom I cannot visit with many reasons. In the now I can see shades of real and true happiness in each and every experience from wake up to sleep.
Thank you for the now and now and now that form a strand of pearls called forever.
I live forever until the last now meets with the first now.
Al Fatihah to all of my loved ones across the oceans. I bless you happiness.
Salaamβ¦.
Jasmine is jasmine,
White, fragrant, tiny flower.
It sits in silence
Never bothered by roses
That stun eyes with the redness.
ββββββββββββββββββββ
Trace back history
Deeply buried in the dark.
Strong trees start from roots.
ββββββββββββββββββββ-
History of life. History of family. History of country. History of a nation. History of a continent. History of the world. History of human beings. History of the universe.
Whose stories?
History is written by the victors, said Winston Churchill. Is that right? It might be, politically.
Sheβd love to understand histories from those who have experienced life journey with heart and soul.
No right or wrong
May all beings be happy.
Harvest is to reap
Whatβs nurtured from the nature.
Good plans might not work.
ββββββββββββββββββββ-
Last weekend was one of the merrier offs. Meet up with friends in different places + online conversation with best friends did draw interesting facts about how they apply parenting.
Iβm against those who consider children as investment. This mindset is broadly believed where I was raised. This old concept has poorly discouraged many of us to grow as we are.
Many children from my time feel that their success should be to fulfil what their parents want as the investors who often time consider financial support is paramount, not to actually use their own ideal dreams to contribute to society as an individual with their unique ID and personality.
No, I donβt deny how important formal education is for modern human beings. And so financial support -normally from parents in my society- should be highly appreciated by those who enjoy the privilege. Yet the financial support should not make children become economically vulnerable against their parents.
In the other hand children must know parents -assumed as the major or primary support before living independently- get old and need support in their retirement and so those elderly should be well taken care of. This should be a form of respect and responsibility, not an abusively forced task.
Good parents should know it is a responsibility to prepare children to be responsible human beings; good children should know it is a responsibility to support parents in retirement time. π
It is not easy to deal with parents who donβt give room or give very thin chance to bridge gaps of many topics. One of the significant result is these children fail managing their own future plans: losing the chance to work in a dreamed place, missing the chance to live abroad, getting married with someone they donβt love or being single for not getting approval to get married with the loved ones, and so on and so forth. Iβm one of those π
When one best friend said she wanted her son to be so and so but the son shown his rebel, I couldnβt resist myself to not say βDo you remember why you are now still there?β
She laughed and said,βOk, ok thanks for reminding me. But you are not married. havenβt been a parent, havenβt had children thatβs why you can say that easilyβ¦..! You would be disappointed if your children grow not up to your expectation. You would never want them to live below your standards. They should be the one materialising parentsβ dreams that are missed. What would you say, my dear?β
Damn! She might be right!
However, how would parents expect children to be what the parents failed to be? Donβt they think children will fail to do so as well with the same style of parenting parents copy from grandparents (who failed in the first hand)? π«
Please forgive me, best friend. Canβt always agree with but respect your stance. If I have children, I wonβt lazily apply the dictatorship or transactional relationship. ππ½π
I thank God to be single in this situation although I have smaller hope to βharvest my own next generationβ. Iβm quite happy that my brothers (and some crazy good friends) allow me to love their children as an open-minded aunt cum good friend when they need to have fun smart discussions. π₯°
May all beings be happy.
Rivers change their flows,
Meet salt, join tides, become sea
In an estuary.
βββββββββββββββββββββ
Eyes are a lagoon where tears are gliding through to the ocean of realities before evaporating then giving up whatβs not serving anymore and turning grief into spirit to achieve the next milestones.
Soul is whatβs peeping out through two windows, zooming in and out of what life presents to the self, finding the best view with accuracy and precision to gain clarity.
There wonβt be anything wasted. All is flowing, without stopping. Like rivers that keep moving from soft to fast flows before finally joining a vast ever-moving force named the sea.
May all beings be happy. π
rike jokanan 
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