graphs of my Universe
Love daily, my love
Chosen, cleaned, soaked, cooked and packed
To serve forever--
chicken biryani for lunch is like falling in love after broken hearted
πβΊοΈβ£οΈ
sprinkled friend onion on the layer rice & chicken
π
boiling rice
marinating chicken in herbs + yogurt
another key to a nice biryani
fying onion
the herbs to boil the rice
basmati rice after 30′ soaked in water
She's a hummingbird
Flying her colours and voice.
Garden of Eden--
If people ask what one thing I’d do at home when I’m doing other relaxing things?
The answer: hummingβ£οΈ
Humming is the power of someone who loves singing but not memorise the lyrics. It’s what makes the amateur singer feel so proud of herself of singing beautifully without words, voice and tones are right, words are hidden. π
Today my household chores are not as many as before yet still I want to be home longer; I have a book to read then share my reading to my family and friends. I also have a sheet of white fabric to experiment shibori stitching.
Saturday is never boring with humming.
my mom used to ask “what are you cooking for this Saturday?” then “that’s delicious! wanna try! cook it for us when you’re home” then I would call her sharing laughter & jokes
no I’m not sad but I miss her love, compassion, stories, jokes, intimacy between mother and daughter
I’m so blessed with her being my mother; and still so blessed to have siblings and in-laws that understand intimacy is the glue of our family
thank youβ£οΈ
time to let my physical, heart & soul hum softly as part of my gratitude for the love around me π
Our language is language of the heart.
When it's not heard, it means
The thread is cut,
The line is off,
The connection is cut,
The songs are not sung
Anymore.
Thank you for this one year.
today’s conversation in the pantry is about rejection: without telling to whom & by whom, just possibility told tales by diners that met for just 30 minutes:
personal business project that’s not approved
library planned visit that’s postponed
afternoon tea invitation in Shangrilla that’s rejected
love that’s unrequited
story that’s not continued
all are one U-turn forced by life to meet the right direction
π
The load, Beloved
So much she can give to you--
Whatever she keeps
RC Gorman’s work of art
the woman is guarding what she keeps in the terracotta jar silently sitting next to her like a soul that she lives with, that she fills with richness of life full of love & hope, that someday she will share with that patient enough to sit down with her silently & fun enough to enjoy life as it is
life is beautiful
βοΈπ
Kata orang aku sedih,
Bukan sedih.
Aku hanya rindu
Padamu
Ibu,
Yang padamu rasa terima kasihku tak lekang oleh waktu,
Yang padamu rasa cintaku tak pernah layu oleh masa,
Yang padamu rasa rinduku tak pernah kering oleh panas,
Yang padamu rasa ikhlasku makin padat sebelum menjadi ledakan saat kita bersatu.
Terima kasih, Ibu.
what I can remember about you, Ibu π₯°β£οΈ
maybe this is what you’re doing now, Ibu πβ£οΈ
What is balance?
When I can walk on a line nicely with little slipping,
When I can wipe my tears soon then smile again,
When I know that there is one that keeps me still within although I look so rocked and shaken without,
When I can still express my feelings between what's called good and bad, right or wrong, while actually all is good and all is right--
Balance is
Knowing that I can wish whatever I want
Knowing that the net is always
You.
balancing in any situation is what life is about
βοΈ
This song never seems old to me although I’m getting older everyday. It speaks to my heart as if telling me “never give up, love is what’s molding you & you know love prevails no matter what”.
to some this song brings romantic vibe; to me this song is loaded with strength & love at the same time – I can listen to this song repeatedly non stop until I fall asleep in a normal night while I’m writing or drawing or reading, now especially when imagining my mother’s face is my sweet moment after work
life is not always easy as it is not always tough to me yet sometimes life seems so fragile with social interaction that doesn’t go as expected; truly my mother’s passing has given me a new normal within me
then? life is like a pond to me, still when fish are sleeping and rippling when fish are dancing
if I am at my 50’s feels so much hollow in one part of my heart, I can’t imagine how children would feel & react when left by their mothers
dear Life, please truly let love prevail in the heart of those having little hope or little food so in the lowest point they still can feel loved within
amen
On the way to office a car passed; its plate number: 6666
At young I studied Quran-based numerology in which 6 is equivalent with the letter Ψ the initial of the word ΨΨ¨Ω (from which the word cable was derived) which is associated with rope, & connection or any function or meaning the same shade to them.
The word cable best describes as it indicates “a rope loadable with current or energy or surge or electricity” just like connection between humans.
Do you believe the strongest connection between humans is that between mother & her biological child? I didn’t believe even at least 3 people warned me of how “painful” it was for them to be left by mother, until she passed away. Now I can feel it: like the surge of electricity stopped abruptly, no current flows to reach the other side, there is a big gaping hole waiting for occupant. Dramatic? That’s what it feels & I can’t be more thankful for being able to feel it– I thought I didn’t strongly connect to my mom; it’s wrong. If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have had this “I miss you” everyday. π₯°
No, no I’m not sad at all now. I was sad only until the 7th day of “tahlil”, then hearing bunch of confessions how good she was as a human. My mother’s death is never a tragedy, it’s always what she’d been waiting for: to rest from the earthly drama (I can’t imagine how she could be so kind & patient), meeting her husband (the handsome kind gentlemen) & ultimately meeting her Beloved (maybe it’s the only one she’d wanted).
For those (esp at my age) not connecting to mother with all your heart, connect now. I’m almost 100% sure all children have missed their mother’s point or if not they’ve consumed her heart ignorantly. β€οΈβπ©Ή
Alfatihah to her, more & more with bigger & bigger love– See you. πβοΈβ£οΈ
As a Muslim I am grateful that someone prominent attested about Islam this way.
I’m not a religious one but I read the Qur’an and Sirah (history of Prophet Muhammad) with very little external guidance as I’ve lost some trust to the religion authority interpreting the teaching & causing distrust to the real teaching of the religion.
I might be wrong but I’m trying to seek what’s relevantly meaningful to my life from the content of the Qur’an and Sirah. And I pray that I’ve got the intelligence, integrity, ethics, humanity that’s wrapped as love.
Salam.
he might be wrong just like me but at least he is experiencing things from his own very hands to tell what it is
happy weekend, everyone
fyi, it said the videos are unavailable; not sure what WordPress is trying to do but both are about Joe Rogan attesting about Islam which (according to him) is totally against what have been described by the West
π
Red bird, Beloved
Flies home bringing her redness
Welcoming the light.
it takes some time to accept that the woman called mother has left me physically
it’s ok, it’s just taking time to accept that there’s a hole called “missing you, ibu” anytime unexpectedly
thank you, ibu
β₯οΈ
I feel so languid,
Between losing and letting go.
Memories are swarming,
Reminding that life is short
And farewell is just an inch away.
What's grey has turned to lively colours that stay.
What's dark has rekindled what's dead and now alive.
Love is never faraway,
It is for a while hiding
To show up when hope is fading away.
There's nothing I hear
But heartbeats singing love song
From afar, moving closer and closer.
Love is never faraway,
It's just hiding to find a way
To disclose what's true in
Expression and will always stay.
my last wefie with her, physically faraway but her love always stays
Riding the wind, Love
Across the route Love chooses
On behalf of love--
wind is pushing her pedaling a journey to the heart of life
I'm bowing this head
Like sunflower to the sun
That sets then slips down.
It’s not easy to lose. It’s not easy to lose my mother. It’s not easy to lose my mother who has been so gently loving all of us. It’s not easy to lose my mother who has been so gently loving all of us with the ups and downs in our relationships. It’s not easy to lose her indeed.
This is the day on which I have to totally live normal without her presence. Today is the last day when most of our family members gather in her home. One by one we are going back to reality bringing a gaping hole in our heart called “mother, how are you today”.
No WhatsApp. No call. No monthly bank transfer. No laugher of silly things. No sad cry. No gossip about my late father. No “what’s for lunch”. No “have you taken your pills?”. No this. No that. Small things that built a castle called love have stopped coming; one by one the memories that we’ve saved fade away.
I just hope that this castle can be a temple where I worship love, not other types of building. π
Love can live in a song,
But what can love do when a song is
Forgotten?
None but an old book,
Dusty and unread--
Life is just like that.
it’s ok to be forgotten as life is just like that
love never lives in a vacuum chamber; it grows with bias of lovers who mightn’t have known deeper layers of love that can only be clearly understood with the understanding of one’s self, never with anything else
silently I’ve paid attention to someone and how one acts in public
the last song has been forgotten so it’s time for me to truly withdraw – no I don’t want to get hurt by someone that I hope not hurting me (but doing it on and on maybe without one’s knowledge of hurting me)
it’s my last day of bereavement leave of my dear mother’s passing and I want to spend it with full relaxation, watching whatever within my reach for the next one hour, then read books on and off the whole day inserted with writing what’s popped out in mind & talking to families members who are still staying until end of this week in my mother’s home
I just want to rest….
Do you know, my love
Love has no definition
But that undefined--
this love is as old as the earth before she was born….
this love is as vast as the universe and non universe of which she was yet not born….
this love is as deep as the riverbed that has no end of the abyss that greets….
this love is as true as the love itself that has no definition as truth is layered and its finale is love itself
I just want to be loved by love that I love in which love loves love itself.
β£οΈ
Beloved,
I don't have clear words
To decribe myself
Yet words insist to come out,
Sliding down from a lane connecting heaven and earth--
Dragon
A mythical being
Depicted in a lot of traditions all over the globe
That soars, roams, fights with a muse who lives in a realm
Called a self.
A self who is one of nine
Whichever one inspiring any her
To rule her own world
With love and compassion,
Nothing more
Nothing less.
She bears the emblem of dragons,
Plays fun with them,
Talks and plans,
Dreams and fantasizes,
Works the hardship,
Keeps secret & evaporate it,
Learns and teaches,
Fights and flies,
Stays and calms,
Grows old and stays young--
All with dragons.
Perhaps no one knows
But she knows
That the dragons might not be
someone else,
Just a being she thinks something else,
Yet in fact none in her life
Is separated--
Dear, Dragons
Be
Beloved or
Lover for her
Whichever is tasked to
You.
born with a dragon waking up at the same time
fun time with dragon most of the time
sending good messages to the universe with the dragon
sharing most secrets to dragon
welcoming sunset with dragon
struggling in battles with dragon
learning precious lessons with dragon
receiving deciphered enigmas from dragon
never growing old before dragon
physically growing old with dragon
taming dragon is her soul
a muse who rekindles dragon in her soul over and over again
It’s my first morning without my mom’s messages.
It feels….
Singapore, 2017 with Ibu – she didn’t know I was sick & neither did I yet she complained about my body weight that according to her was indicating something she didn’t know what…. a mother knows her daughter
It was so fun – everyday was jalan-jalan… I know she didn’t enjoy being out of hone too long as she was a homebody but I made her
terima kasih, Ibu
π
Aku sayang Ibu.
our last video call
the last time I saw you was just yesterday when I had a video call with Yogi & Ocka – you smiled sweetly βΊοΈβοΈπβ£οΈ
terima kasih, Ibu…. πβοΈβ£οΈ
Aku tak pernah tahu
Rasa apa yang lain
Darimu buatku
Selain cinta.
Aku tak pernah tahu
Hadiah apa yang lain
Darimu buatku
Selain doa.
Tapi kau pasti tahu
Aku salah paham akan cintamu,
Aku sering lupa mendoakanmu,
Kau juga tahu aku akan tahu.
Aku tahu.
Jangan ragu, Ibu.
ibu, you annoyed me by not opening the video βΊοΈβ£οΈ
in Jogja βοΈπβ£οΈ
No one, Ibu
But
You
Who loves me without questioning,
Trusts me without doubting,
Gives all to me without expecting,
Lets go off your belonging for me without counting,
Does all for me without calculating.
Is it because you are a perfect human being?
But no!
It's because you see your perfection in me and
See my imperfection in you.
I always said I don't want to be like you.
You're too perfect to be copied:
Your patience:
Being abandoned,
Left,
Betrayed,
Cheated,
Lied to,
Hated,
Marginalised,
And so much more.
Your gift:
Being generous,
Kind,
Soft,
Lovely,
Caring,
Acceptant,
Lovable,
Humane,
And so much more.
Dear, Ibu.
I want to talk about you
All the time now
Because I can't talk to you
Anymore.
Yes I can
But without your voice
Kicking softly on my eardrums
Giggling about our silly days.
But I assure you:
I am letting you go wholeheartedly,
I will take care of your legacy,
I will love those whom you love, too.
Ibu, I wish I could still
hug you....
ibu, terima kasih ya….
Terima kasih ya
Sudah jadikanku bagian badanmu,
Bagian jiwamu,
Bagian hidupmu.
Cuma kamu yang tiap pagi WhatsApp aku selama 13 tahun setiap pagi di manapun aku berada.
Aku kadang sebel
Tapi sering tidak sebel,
Aku suka. Rasanya seperti kau manja.
Aku janji hanya kuingat yang bikin aku makin dekat denganmu.
Sedihmu,
Bahagiamu,
Sakitmu,
Sehatmu,
Janjimu,
Cintamu.
you might not be the smartest woman on earth but trust me, Ibu you are the wisest of all – I won’t replace you with anyone
π
terima kasih yaaa….
π
Ibu,
Thank you for becoming the gate for me to this life.
One day I said to you,
"Who knows I'll have a daughter like you have me?"
You said,
"Amen. Pray. All is good."
Then I said to you again,
"Do you love me?"
You said,
"All mothers love the children."
I said again,
"But I think you love my brothers better because they are men and I'm a woman who is not considered more valuable in our tradition?"
You smiled saying,
"You are stronger. Much stronger."
ibu, terima kasih ya βΊοΈ
If I'm in a trip,
I'd be with the Lone Ranger,
Or with my Tonto.
I’m 50 years old next week. I still want to live next many years in good health although this body needs to compromise with speed and strength. And I want to have more trips– both professional and personal.
While professionally I go alone almost all of the time and not expect to change it; I’d like to have a travel buddy personally.
He should be….
π
someone that knows how to pack nicely both in backpack & suitcase
someone that doesn’t have to stay in 5-star as long as it’s with me
someone that doesn’t bother to have ice cream because the restaurant is fully booked
someone who is not ashamed to have fun in simple way although it looks weirdly cheap
someone who likes to sing under the rain
someone who rides motorbike… yaaay!
who drives much better than I do
he’s my Lone Ranger or Tonto, whichever he needs to be when with me
who?
not sure, I won’t overthink as I can find all those within me except the driving one π
I’m gonna be 50 &
yes I’m just me that’s gonna be 50 wholeheartedly.
If you were a king,
What would you be like, my love?
Would you let me know?
π
βοΈ
π€ͺ
βοΈ
π
π
π€―
π€£π
π
π€£π€£π€£πβ£οΈ
I stumbled upon this video in YouTube, my favourite online platform: How to Find a Spouse & Keep…. No, it’s not about that I’m religious. If the question is if I’m religious, the answer is never yes. My thinking is any idea, the responsible & fair one, coming from any faith on earth.
So the female Muslim scholar gave some advices & enlightment about marriage for women in 40’s (& above). Dr Haifa Younis calmly touched this heart & strengthened what I’ve thought about for so long. Marriage–
No, I’m not talking about the content only (marriage at 49’s or above). Connecting it to Probablity Theory in ‘ath seems more interesting to me.
If probability theory is about which ball of specific colour I will get if I blindly take one ball from a bag of hundreds or thousands or even millions of balls of different colours; life is about the bag with so many balls of colours (probabilities) decided for me based on my preparation & luck! While I can have my best preps, I still pray for the luck to take sides of me– and what colour granted to me is a combination of my preps & nature’s luck.
And yet that’s also not the point I see in the Mathematics probability. The most important thing of probability in life (to me) is about taking the bag as a whole without throwing away any balls within– any colours stay, fully accepted as the bag is handed to me. Any balls are welcomed guests to me; none is rejected when the ball is assigned for me. And that’s what I think about all probabilities in life incl but not limited to marriage.
There was time when I said no to marriage simply because of experiencing bitter & irresponsible rejection from a man back then. Yet after moving to Singapore and meeting sooo many mature & open-minded heads, I changed my mind. I became open to marriage, well preparing everyday through learning how to be a female human being and hoping for the best without pushing hard.
Preps & Luck!
If the ball is dropped for me, it is deliberately & lovingly welcome. Yet I don’t want to hurt my life to get the ball rolling.
Let life take care of it.
Probability theory in Math helps me much to accept life as it is.
Life is lighter with acceptance and a shade of letting go.
Thank you…. As always….
thank you, Ma’am for the kind reminder
It never dies-- Love.
It sparks then sparkles; no end
But milestones to mark.
preparing batik for myself
will name this piece “life cycle of love”
What's beauty today?
Ants partying in some blooms
For sweetness of life--
no, I don’t want to focus on what I experience as bitterness too long
why should I age with heavy burdens if I can live in my second half of my life with light heart (that’s if I live 100 years)
I will see bitter day just as a bitter gourd for me to carve to be beautiful garnish or to cook in nice recipe; or better seeing it as bitter dark chocolate π
I just won’t let others play around as they love to tease others fr sport; no! My life is too precious to waste just for those who think life is fun when wasted with no clear design π₯°
Beauty today, Love
Is about about colours and shapes
Softly touch the heart.
as close as I could, I felt a tap on my broken heart telling me “life is just like that, beauty lies on the tiniest part of your own heart, not others'”
at closer glance the colours gave me some soft touch on my heart who is longing for honest heart to talk about love, life with sufficient laughter
today I worked under a tamarind tree across a construction site and found a tiny beauty, a grass flower inviting me with its enticing colours
A hope that vanishes
With the forgotten true stories
Of the unsung heroes,
Those not buried with engraved tombstone
Dear, Elden Heroes
Who are taking a break from battles.
Wish us a basket of flower
Full of prayer summoning
The only thing left with Mother Earth:
Love that glows in the heart.
Wish us her love
That fades all selfishness away
Swiftly
Like the colours dissolve from a white fabric.
No trace of arrogance.
No trace of greed.
Only love.
Only care.
By everyone,
For everyone
Including
The Elden Soldiers--
A poem for a piece of Mother Earth’s true love called Indonesia on her 80th birthday–
Thank you. You’re staying in this very heart that weeps for getting hurt over and over again yet keeping the trust in a journey called life.
π
your promise to liberate your offspring’s life from all that occupy them was well done
would you say that what your offspring is doing to celebrate the victory is truly what you wished to be
dear, Elden Soldiers who have been either well-known or unsung….
There's a basket of blockers
Called assumption
Built about me and you.
That everyone wants to be famous;
Forgetting that in different occasion he says all is love.
There's a basket of blockers
Called assumption
Built about me and you.
That you are untouchable by my love;
Denying that in different occasion she is in love.
There's a basket of blockers
Called assumption
Built about me and you.
That you belong to them and not me;
Claiming that certain human beings don't deserve the others.
dear Life, please give me what you call true love, not what is seen true love;
& life as light as feathers that can fly a bird,
life as deep as an underground chamber that keeps all secrets,
love that is free from any blockers except you between me and you
π
rike jokanan 
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