rike jokanan

Kata temanku aku tidak terbiasa mengalah. Mungkin benar, mungkin salah. Benar karena profesiku sebagai auditor identik dengan cari-cari salah orang dan harus mempresentasikan “kesalahan” tersebut secara sistematik dikemas apik sehingga yang disalahkan tetap mau ikhlash disuruh memperbaiki kesalahannya dalam waktu singkat secara akurat.

Salah karena sesungguhnya aku banyak sekali berkompromi terhadap tujuan hidup orang lain di luar pekerjaan. Saya biarkan orang yang seharusnya bertanggung-jawab terhadap kami para perempuan di keluarga kami “ucul” menikmati kenikmatannya sendiri malahan seringkali membebani kami mulai dari beban pikiran, perasaan maupun materi. Aku juga berkompromi terhadap tak terwujudnya beberapa mimpi besarku sebagai seorang perempuan. Pokoknya nggak papa deh ngalah asal jangan masalah pekerjaan aja.

Tapi sebenernya nggak juga. Aku banyak juga membiarkan orang lain melangkahiku. Lagi-lagi nggak papa….

Sudah lama kukesampingkan menang-kalah walau masih sedikit tersisa dikotomi kedua makna tersebut. Menang jadi arang, kalah jadi abu – sama-sama hancur karena api amarah. Tak ada yang memang, keduanya kalah….

Hari ini baru saja kumenangis. Rasanya hatiku terpukul sekali karena satu masalah yang telah begitu panjang diperjuangkan dan hampir menang ternyata dipupus dan (hampir) diputus kalah.

Bukan, bukan aku tak mau kalah. Bukan masalah. Sungguh.

Hanya kutelusuri lagi betapa orang ini memperjuangkan kesalahannya yang (hampir) (di)menang(kan) ini dengan jalan yang menyakitkan, sangat kasar dan menganiaya.

Oh, tak apa. Kuambil ini sebagai praktik puasa. Berpuasa dari yang terlihat, berpuasa terhadap kemenangan semu.

Lalu aku tersenyum, menarik selimut dan siap tidur….

Bukan menang, bukan salah. Bukan tersakiti, bukan disakiti. Bukan harga-diri, bukan kehinaan. Aku hanya ingin terbebaskan…. dari diriku sendiri….

Batam – 28 Oktober 2016 – 23:50

What’s that green and blue?

That the eyes zoom in and out:

Go around the world
My dream is go around the world, that’s what I said to one of my dear best friend, Rizka. Not so much sure that I would and could but the Ultimate Owner of the vast multiverse seems to care about me and be willing to fly me around this globe…. Thank you for everything…. so much.

Singapore – October 20, 2016 – 11:17pm

A forest wood comb

Is smoothening jet black long hair.

Rapunzel’s, is that?

Temasek – October 4, 2016 – 1:37am

Working is like breathing for some people. They dedicate their days and night to perfect their skills and knowledge of a focused thing. No boredom is considered, no tiresomeness is truly felt. Their life is integrated in their very life.

I met many brilliant people in my field of work. They are their jobs, doing their work to a perfection. Amazing journey to drive a success in a team, as if stress and pressure are just a hiccups after a meal.

There is a thing making me appreciate my job: that it helps me find other part of my self I didn’t even think of before. How would you feel when you find that you’re able to do things excellently here, while years ago people might underestimate you for not capable of doing it? How would you feel that you are well appreciated, while you were just ignored by people who think they are much better than you? It is just a kind of thanksgiving! You are blessed for finding your own diamond mine.

Is it? Yes, it is.

But ya…. Some people are just so negative about you. Whatever you say are misinterpreted or even twisted by others to save their own ass. I still see some like that but I believe they are here for a reason.

Those people won’t take me down. They are taking themselves down. 

Those people won’t win their strategy because they don’t have integrity.

Those people just won’t make their ambition happen. They just won’t with their current deceit.

My heart is pounding of being angry but I take a deep breath: pull a gulp of air to my belly and breathe like a baby…. I let go of my anger like a baby meeting mother’s breast. I let go of my fury like a child getting back her doll. I’m letting go off this heavy emotion.

Duh Gusti, life is beautiful….

Temasek – September 24, 2016 – 2:32am

Human is humane.

When not, all others suffer.

It is just constant.
Whatever we human beings do affect others as we are now the Master of the Earth. The word “master” might not be suitable anymore to cure Mother Earth and its dweller including ourselves. Mother Earth is sick because huma beings are sick and in order to get cured, we human should move to a new position – from master to protector.

We are the Protector of the Earth, of the rest of the dwellers on it: the animals, the plants, the in between….

Owner of the Verses, look at us….. Universe, look at us…. Mother Earth, look at us. We do many things harmful and we are sick because of it. Help us stop ourselves. Help us activate the Chi….

Yaa Wasii…. Yaa Latief…. Ya Rabb….

Singapore – September 21, 2016 – 07:42ami

Eyelids wide open.

Eyes blink in the dark night.

Unable to sleep —

Singapore – September 5, 2016 – 1:40am

And the fork of a road
To be travelled
Differently….

And the destinies of life
To be reset
Sincerely….

And it’s time to clean
All clutters in the space
For the self to breathe….

In silence
Let’s listen to secret apology, false reasonings, unwinding anger which coil a body like DNA building its blueprint.

In silence
Words are shooting like meteors falling across the skies burning what’s possible. So be it….

Hey, Traveller!
You can walk through own path.
No worry….

‘Coz you should t walk with those who claimed loyalty but hitting you on the neck when a thief was trying to snatch your pendant.

And the Sun, Air, Water, Soil, Wind…. On Fire

Stop
Stop

Turn to your own way.
And, so be it.

Salaam Ya Salaam
Salaam Ya Rahman
Salaam Ya Rahiem

Salaam

Singapore – August 16, 2016 – 02:20am

Why do you say thanks?
As long as we’re human, we
Should explain reasons.

I have a friend whom I recently got difficult to understand – she claimed a good friend of mine but when I was harassed by people just in front of her, she didn’t try to defend me. Even worse she acted weird adding statement that has made me change my opinion about her claim of being a good friend. Then I decided to take my space, we should just be friends, omitting the word “good”.

Even more weird…. She sends me messages almost everyday saying ridiculous things – the messages are not weird but sending me those messages without reasons make it weird.

Why do you have to say thank you? Why don’t you just ask me why I avoid you? Why don’t you act mature instead of acting innocent?

Sometimes spirituality makes human being act weird – they forget that by being spiritual a human being won’t change to an angel. Human being need reasoning. When reasoning doesn’t come, there might be wider space between human beings that requires a stop.

Singapore – August 15, 2016 – 4:39am

Popping up berries 

Range frompink to blackish blue.

Antioxidants!


Singapore – August 7, 2016 – 4:37am

I wish, 

that I can help as many as strays in the streets…. But busy with my work.

I wish,

that I can hug as many poor cats and dogs…. But busy with my work

I wish,

that I can home as many as homeless cats and dogs…. But ‘m myself in constant travel.

I wish,

I could do all with my own hand.

I wish,

I could give all that I have.

I wish,

I could celebrate my life with giving charity every second.

I wish,

I could help.

I wish I could do more….

I wish I could….

I wish….

Singapore – July 23, 2016 – 12:48pm

A long-delay flight

She is drooling in her sleep.

Tired of waiting.

Kuala Lumpur – July 18, 2016 – 3:00am

SilkAir had to delay its flight as the air traffic controller announced very bad weather above Kuala Lumpur. It was 3.5 hours – we were paid dinner. Many got upset especially those with transfer flight. I myself, just drool…. Drooling cures 😂

A humming singing bowl

Is time to leave? Is it?

And we have to leave.
Indira Gandi International Airport – July 5, 2016 – 8:29am

Bright and sunny day

A prayer was sent to Heaven

In white Crown Palace.

Uttar Pradesh – July 2, 2016 – 15:45

Blinking in the dark,

I’m lucky that I don’t have 

Whatever I shouldn’t.
I’m thankful to be a human being and would love to be in my next life. The belief that this soul has travelled in different planes, time and space should teach the awareness that being lucky is thanking for whatever given to us and what not given to us. If Life is preparing us to be a stronger and more self-reliant being, then not having is a sign that we will. Let’s be grateful for what we are….

Westin Gurgaon – July 1, 2016 – 7:50am

One cloudy midday

Two men in black were struggling,

Cleaning the back yard.

Yogyakarta – June 18, 2016 – 13:46