I never want to hurt myself, I just didn’t know who you are. I got hurt by a cactus in a desert Who pricks little fingers, Who just want to touch this life softly, Not hurting, not taking anything away.
Wounded, I decided to blame stupidity: Why did I have to have to have to have to have to just touch cacti? I should have left that arid land long before I touched a prickly spirit.
A delayed regret is less important than a lesson learned but it always gives a story the most significant pivot.
Now I’ll just admire from here From where I stand With millions of prayers For a secret journey. Yet I know you are a ghost days and nights.
Someday when I pour down the rain, You’ll know. Love is as sweet as water in drought— Maybe— If it is not late....
I had a conversation with a good friend, the topic was “sign”. This particular friend cannot read most of non verbal signs and hints from her spouse clearly. What her spouse shows non verbally won’t trigger any curiosity from her; except when he expresses it verbally then she will understand. Facial gestures, body language, more seriously mental vibration won’t do her any ring anymore.
I thought it was strange as a couple should be able “to read” each other’s feeling or idea with a blink of an eye! At least that’s my ideal couple goal.
Then after a while I can relate to what has happened to me.
I’ve been living away from family for more than 25 years; the 7 of which I’ve lived totally home alone (cats and other pets not counted). And that 7-year period is when I think I’ve lost the ability to read what my family is trying to communicate to me. We either don’t understand “the language” or we just can’t accept “the reasoning”. When it comes to language, I feel that our ability to read kinds of personal or cultural gestures have diminished either with my ignorance to their loving and caring behaviour or with their insensitivity to my practicality and logical thinking. We just don’t know how to match things in many occasions and usually we’ll just tolerate each other by saying “no worry, as long as you are happy and healthy”.
When I asked what happened to my friend and her spouse, she said “I just don’t know what language I should use to communicate with him”. Hmm exactly what I experience with my mother and siblings.
“Why don’t you try guessing whatever you see from him? Just to show that you care?”
“I’ve tried but it looks unnatural. He asked me why I did weird questioning and guessing.”
“It is ok, unnatural at the beginning but will be natural when you find the click”.
“We won’t find a click anymore. We are not happy and not meant to be.”
Eh?
At that point I couldn’t say anything. I think she is not illiterate, she’s seriously desperate.
Gosh! Life is a mystery! We, her close circle have always thought they’re the happiest and I’m the lonely. Now I think it is time to be thankful just for a minute to be happier even than the happiest.
I can feel weekend
The thrill slithers on my back.
I can smell the weekend
The fragrance stabs my nostrils.
I can hear the weekend
The euphoria of wind whistling through the sliding door opening a jar.
I can touch the weekend
Its textures give me goosebumps of excitement.
And I can see the weekend
A fluffy nest on my bed with pillows under my feet and the greenery across my windows.
Weekend, you beautiful period
All senses are hugging you
With love and hope.
Weekend, I know you don’t last forever
You are just one seventh of the cycle,
Only a dwarf that ends the line,
Only one color in the bowing rainbow,
Only an end that starts another project.
Weekend, you are the true refresher though
That stops the billowing smoke from the top of my head,
That interrupts the intensity of hostile stalking of some friends,
That gives me space to shift my focus.
Dear Weekend,
Bring me Love in your next visit.
Pack your luggage and safe travel.
September is the most romantic month. The feeling maybe comes because I was born in September. Or, there may be other reasons that haven’t emerged yet through my mind. The taste granted now is that September is romantic for me.
Anyway, why isn’t a question I want to deal with about this. Just can’t wait to meet September again. Although I cancelled the 2020 annual major holiday (I claim it every September), I still think it is gonna be a great time!
There’s always a light
In the dark. Open your eyes
While you’ve got your time.
Singapore – throwback flood in my apartment last week
—
My apartment was flooded because of a bursting pipe joint in the kitchen. I was so panicky with the joint pipe bang sounding like an explosion, when I ran to the kitchen the pipe strongly sprayed water – hot water! Bloody hell! It was the hottest shower I’ve ever had in my life.
I could not find the valve to stop the water flow. Water had reached the living room and kitchen balcony. I threw all pillow from the sofa and all big towels in the drawer to the kitchen door to hold the water. I didn’t know what to do! I said to myself: My neighbour!
I felt desperate as I didn’t know anyone in the 15th floor. They never open their doors. But I was so lucky that #2 door was open and I saw a man, a woman and a small girl.
Long story short the husband ran in to my home, while I ran downstairs to the facility office to get help to close the external valve for my apartment water supply. It took 20 minutes to stop the hot water flood. Hot water!!!
When the facility lady reached my apartment (with me) my neighbour was wet like hell in my kitchen holding the piping joint. He looked so desperate but tried to behave fine and calm.
I felt so guilty especially when he helped me put a complaint on the valve thing. The wife kindly told me that they will help me follow up if anything the same happens again. What a kind couple! Thank you!
The apartment management took the blame and sent a handy man on the same day. And the next week my regular handyman came to check the whole piping to find and fix the error.
It was one bad day in my July but also the best – in the hot water flood I finally got to know my neighbour, a Malaysian young couple with one baby daughter. They said they love traveling to Indonesia and I said I go to Malaysia every month in normal situation. We agreed to check each other once in a while as good neighbours; I now knew that they also have missed to “have neighbours” like their original culture in Malaysia. Ya, it is slightly difficult to know our neighbours in this type structure of living spaces. The next door neighbour of mine only opened their door and stared at us with empty eyes seeing me panicky running to the lift to go to facility office; he didn’t even ask “What happened? What can I help?” Oh my goodness! How I miss a friendly neighbourhood. I’m sure I’ll have it, I’ll have it!
May all beings be happy.
No picture, no video was taken due to panic Attack. 😶
I hope you’re AirPods,
Listening to my love songs
From far far away….
But you’re not AirPods. Your heart
Is frozen by arrogance.
Singapore – July 23, 2020 / 23:22
—-
When human technology is lame and degrading, they don’t believe anymore with the unseen signs that they can only feel through taste granted to Self…. Many human only believe in the limited five senses that won’t work just because of a wall standing tall. You know now, dear Love…. that you’re not better than my AirPods. I’m crying because of that fact but I don’t care anymore as long as my AirPods can help me listen to my own Love songs from my machine that stands tall in my living room while I’m cooking in the kitchen….
Thanks my AirPods and those who have worked together to deliver them to my silent heart….
Messy like heaven.
After cooking I feel tired
Of all the dirty
Pots, plates, spoons, knives and rubbish.
Full without eating—
—
I am naturally a picky eater, but trying my best to eat every thing served as long as healthy and non poisonous. I even let myself eat those I’m allergic to – just to prove to this weak Self that this body can bear the poison though has failed now and then.
Today I cooked one traditional food from Java island of beautiful archipelago, my dear Indonesia – buntil.
It is stuffed cassava leaves wraps, you can also use papaya leaves. The content can be as cheap as grated young coconut only or added with anchovy or meat or any protein that you wish to have in the meal. This time I make a fusion – buntil stuffed with Korean stir fried anchovies with pumpkin seed and walnuts. The fusion is just because I could not find the seed that originally cooked in the Java island, we call it “petai Cina” (please use your freedom to find what it is in Google). I bought the Korean side dish coz I don’t know how to make it.
This is cheap and humble dish that is traditionally eaten as side dish with rice. But it has become a rare food where I live now – even people from Indonesia might not find it interesting anymore. Not sure why but alas! Everybody has one’s own liking. I’m so grateful that the cleaning lady knocked my door and brought some earth products that I’ve missed dearly – bamboo shoot, banana flower, cabai rawit and cassava leaves! So why not making food that I’ve missed so dearly, too.
I’m happy with the result, knowing that there are details of ingredients and still a good success. But the after cooking was not so happy seeing piles of dirty containers and cooking utensils that I had to wash by myself…. Heaven!
Anyway! Let’s see the happy scenes! Unhappy scenes of cleaning and tidying up the shelves and cabinets are off the records!
Welcome next good week!
May all beings be happy….
Raw cassava leaves, just in case you never know what it is….
Boil the cassava leaves with salt until they are soft enough to chew but not too soft to break themselves in your hands.
Korean stir fried anchovies with pumpkin seeds and walnuts – it is sweet originally but I still seasoned it with the buntil seasoning….
This is to tie up the wrap. If not tied, the wrap won’t be strong enough to hold the anchovies in and the leak of the anchovies with different seasoning from the one in the coconut milk will affect the final blend of the taste.
Wrap it up!
Put all the wraps into the pot…. They are happily waiting for some shower.
Pour the seasoned coconut milk on to the wraps in the pot. And ready to boil….
Cook until the coconut milk is reduced, absorbed by the wraps. Trust me, the taste is Heaven!
When you miss your friends and you can’t meet them, just FaceTime. When you miss your childhood memories that you can’t revive, just YouTube!
I found an interesting YouTube channel and just by watching the videos I feel so full and feel like home. Can’t stop watching, liking and sharing them!
The game in one of the videos reminds me of when I was young, competing eating the most chili with the least veggie fritter. Oh how I miss gorengan and caberawit!
Slowing down footsteps
Pace along an ancient route.
Trace back your soul path.
Now here
—
Thought sometimes gets puzzled why thing happens to the Self, while logically she has made best possible efforts to control it not to emerge into events. At times emotions pour like heavy rain or they numb all nerves.
Then the Self realises that all is about tracing back the soul path: paying one’s karma, optimising one’s dharma.
Dear, Self.
You’d better pass major lessons in the current life. You shouldn’t want to fail the same lessons: acting lame or repeatedly meeting lame spirits wrapped in different physical planes, or both at the same time.
Dear, Beloved.
If it is not done,
Don’t let me slip from Your hands.
There is time when Mr Grey is reluctant to evaluate others’
Actions,
Motions,
Emotions,
Notions—
For as much as the head’s dullness, true colours won’t lie
And untrue intentions will reveal.
In the mode of working class,
Putting layered of dignified masks in silence,
Enchanting intelligent chorus in public,
Smirking in the dark.
Beloved dedication
Decorated with
Stabbing behind—
….
Doesn’t it matter?
No—
Take a time
As long as Time wishes to be with you:
Hiding behind true Smile,
Singing in the Heart,
Reciting poems in the Soul.
Someday
When the floor invites you to dance,
Offering the best music of Life,
Then down to the floor!
Dance until the Light fades away
Which is never.
Now
Observe all the moves
Of the masks around you
Which will undo themselves
It says thanks to you
For showing true and untrue
Through this emotion.
Singapore – Jun. 1, 2020 / 22:15
—
Realising that a gift is not merely about a special thing wrapped beautifully but more about the true among the untrue is a gift itself. No matter how it feels inside until now, I still thank you.
What is new normal?
A set of taboos maybe
Or ancient practice—
Singapore – May 1, 2020 / 20:00
—
I feel an acceptable level of my new normals after two months of flexible work arrangement and no business trip. I wake up almost at the same time everyday – in my old normal I woke up in different time almost everyday because either of my flight, the pick up time or time zones.
I did my groceries very rarely; now regularly and enjoyably! Oh my god, I feel like going picnic in fact just going to either wet market or to Cold Storage 😁
I used to cook only at the weekend or holiday – sometimes not even because I would prefer going to my home country for short trips to meet my family and friends; now I cook literally every single day and I love it!
I did my laundry sometimes if it wasn’t done at the hotel; but now I handwash my clothes twice a week – big fabric like towels and bedsheet will still be thrown to washing machine.
I used to wear casual or sometimes dress for work; now I wear pyjamas, rompers or even just underwear when working as long as there is no conference call for the day!
And my plants have become happier – blooming orchids and growing rhizomes. 🥰
If these are new normals, would it be my normal even after the outbreak is cured? Might not all be….
I wish I have a better life after this circuit breaker and can keep some of the good and enjoyable things as my forever normal.
In a world of men
She mostly forgets to thank
For being woman.
Shanghai – December 12, 2019
—-
Why should we struggle to compete in a male dominated world? Why bother? Even when their logic doesn’t show they are logical, the men will always think they are more logical than women. So be it….
I want to be more relaxed, enjoying my privilege of being a woman. I realise I’ve given up many many things and I want to take them back!
My father had a black starling.
It loved eating kepok* banana – no, had no choice.
It sang – no, cried
It danced – no, nervous
It entertained our guests – no, tried to escape
It slept peacefully – no, dreamed nightmares days and nights
It did happily – no, a prisoner.
The cage was wires and wood.
We hoped it could talk.
Our family moved
To a much smaller home.
Our starling got neglected
How much I can feel the guilty is like a teary moment to a bloody heart!
The black starling got a home
Bigger:
My mother’s relative.
It loved eating kepok* banana – no, had no choice.
It sang – no, cried
It danced – no, nervous
It entertained our guests – no, tried to escape
It slept peacefully – no, dreamed nightmares days and nights
It did happily – no, a prisoner.
The cage was wires and wood, half we gave to it.
We hoped it could talk.
If you are dead, dear Black Starling,
Be in a peaceful moment.
Fly with your beautiful wings, black and shiny!
Feed your life with all the fresh memories.
Forget all the cages and bars.
Be the air
Be the vapour
Be the atmosphere
Be our silent guidance to the freedom out of this cage.
Thank you for your will to be our prisoner
Thank you for your sincerity to be our exhibition
Thank you for your sacrifice to feed our ego
Thank you for your life to complete our purity.
See you across the bridge.
You’ve met him, right?
Tell him you forgive us.
rike jokanan 
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