Category: love

When I was young, I thought to be old is kind of frightening yet “entertaining”. Frightening because I saw my mom got wrinkles at the eyes and lips area – when she smiled tiny lines were formed, hair gets thiner and whiter, she sometimes complained about getting tired after walking a not-so-long distance and gave more reminders than before to the youngsters. Getting old is physically deteriorating. But “entertaining” for the some people surrounding, I teased her for the wrinkles, tiresome and constant chatter; she didn’t get upset – just smiled and said “Wait until you get there, dear daughter”.

And, yes I am now old and found the tiny linings around my eyes and lips, more gray hairs than before – oh, I’ve been gray-haired since teenager, get tired more easily after facility tour (but still can make it in 200,000 sqm area on a two-day tour), complain more about my nephews and nieces who look lazier and more relaxed compared to myself in their age. But yes, I am at the same time more patient, accept things the way they are, become more observant and reserved towards problems, and…. simplify my goals.

Those might not be really valid facts of being old, maybe only relevant to “me being old”. Others might experience different occurrences and effects; however, all those happenings in my growing up have made my mind. Getting old is not always frightening and “entertaining” anymore for me, it can even be the real entertainment for yourself if you take it in a fun way.

You might still have more time to do more things useful for your own self, family, close friends and to wider environment – for me wider environment includes social responsibility and animal welfare.

When getting old has haunted you, there is a key to overcome it: Do things, never stop. Taking meaningful actions is of course a good choice but meaningful doesn’t mean big stuff. Cooking in the morning, grooming your children or pets, chit-chatting with friends about silly things, growing plants, blogging about small stuff, laughing at funny little jokes, etc, and so on…. Just enjoy the second of this life. Many people grow old happy….

I remember how Oprah Winfrey gets older happy. Dalai Lama gets older happy and calm even in the middle of chaos suffered by his people that he can’t reach out. Emha Ainun Najib gets old happy with his family & good friends even with the facts that his ideas have been betrayed by many people. Comedian Leilasari gets older happy even she is not a rich artist at the dawn of her career. Many people are happy aging…. My mom is one of them, guess I’ll be joining them.

I believe many of you won’t mind growing old without sorry.

Picture borrowed from http://www.drycreekherbfarm.com/blog/?p=32

Penang – November 2, 2014 – 6:25

Ode To Agam

Agam…. You, the strong boy

Though left behind by mother, father, and all friends who used to protect and enjoy wild life together in your past…. In the beautiful past….

Now even only your name I can remember. Your weak body slowly gave up and sincerely let the soul travel back to the Source. Tears fall and fall and still fall, Agam….

Agam, this ode flows with my tears singing about your happy nature, your painful heart for being separated from your beloved, your tired physical for struggling alone. Adam, my dear boy…. you have been loved and will always be loved after you left us….

Agam, send my best regards to the next life across the border. Someday we’ll meet and greet each other. You are saved from longer pain….

Forgive me,

Forgive us,

For not loving you enough, for not taking good action, for being so selfish….

Sing now, Agam. Cuddle to your mother. Be happy, the real happy!

Agam is a baby elephant surviving after his mother was poisoned to death in Aceh, Indonesia. Agam fell into a well and helped by people but his leg was broken and because of mistreatment he died. Was he abused? I can’t tell. I just want to tap Readers’ awareness about other fellow creatures. They exist not to be abused, they exist to be loved — show your affection, take action how little it is would not waste.

My heart is so broken that I have no gut to see Agam’s picture especially the last one when he was in great pain before leaving….

Singapore – October 31, 2014 – 9:15pm

Doggy Style (bilingual)

It was in Ho Chi Minh City, outside the post office when I saw a relaxed buddy approaching a mahogany tree and did his short party. Oh, dear buddy…. My ancient soul was and is happy for you for your being able to be free to act as your now and here concept. You know I will never do it as long as this body is still wrapping. But Life is too busy to experience a lot of things. Thank you….

Kejadiannya di Ho Chi Minh City, di depan sebelah kiri kantor pos saya mergokin satu teman sesama ciptaan ndeket-ndeketin pohon mahoni lalu menunaikan hajatnya di situ. Oh, sahabat…. Jiwa purbaku tak pernah tak bahagia melihatmu mampu beraksi berdasarkan konsep kini dan disini. Kamu tahu kan aku tak kan bisa melakukan itu selama hayat masih dikandung badan yang ini. Bagaimanapun hidup nggak mungkin sempat mengalami segalanya. Makasih ya….

GH Erawan – October 30, 2014 – 00:37

Berubah

Baca-baca postingan lama — eh, eh nge-blog pertama 27 Oktober 2007 masih unyu bingits, kok berasa jadi Power Ranger – berubah!

Berasa dulu gue orang yang paham banget tentang kehidupan ini. Segala rupa difilsafatkan, semuanya ditarik ke titik bijak, banyak hal dimaknai. Hidup seperti sepokok pohon kesucian. Alamak, bebih….

Nggak buruk tapi juga nggak bagus. Perubahan yang mesti gue terima. Nerima bahwa ya beginilah gue, nggak bisa nilai deh. Yang pasti berubah aja. Asyik ternyata kalau grafiknya nggak linier, so enjoyable!

Ya deh. Semoga bermanfaat buat gue sendiri dan pelajaran bagi sahabat sekalian yang sudi menyimak hikmahnya….

Bangkok – 28 Oktober 2014 – 11:00 malam

Welcome By Small Flower Wreath (bilingual)

Learning, love, Map It!

Arrived in Bangkok today I was welcome by a wreath of jasmines, so fragrant and elegant. Sawasdee Ka!

Tiba di Bangkok hari ini aku disambut oleh seroncean bunga melati, wangi dan anggun. Selamat datang!

GH Erawan, October 27, 2014 – 7:50pm

Collecting

I’ve been collecting things in my life — not so much thinking about their functionalities, just as hobbies. It’s like never ending craving for new types of the collected items. Fun, fun, fun!

When I was elementary schooler, I collected stamps – at least five albums & some un-albumed packs of foreign stamps before finally I gave up. Where are those albums now? No idea where they are, probably my cousins took care of them. I was fond of nail polish, bead necklaces and hair bands…. Yeah, so glad remembering that — I was feminine, yes I was….

Another I remember is pencil collection, it was when I was 15. Any types of pencil were nested in a big fancied cartons and cans – 200+++ until finally I gave up…. Where did they end their “life”? Cant remember, I thought I gave them away to anybody wanted to take them.

Longer list…. Turtle & tortoises figurines, batik sheets, overseas coins, natural stones, gemstones, crystals, orchids, refrigerator magnetics, socks, silver and other metals…. And, many more collecting thingy.

What are those all things for? Just to feed desire of having this and that, wanting this and that, the word need was forgotten and/or ignored. Did I need the used stamps? Economic value was never a concern; I’ve never considered myself a sales-person type. Did my two hands operated hundreds of pencils? Who takes care of those collections — I leave them in my house in Indonesia…. So sad. Just these very recent months I decided to stop collecting. My attention and action shall be more meaningful to more people rather than just making me contented or proud of having bunch of things.

Supporting animal rescuers (cats and dogs), and communities helping underprivileged people (health and education) are the best choices now. Not because of having so much money to donate, but it is more about how to allocate the capitals wisely. No rates of return expected except that I want to be less guilty of enjoying this blessing selfishly.

Thanks Universe, for waking me up, for opening my very eyes wide, for presenting the needy before me…. Now, the challenge is to work constantly hard and smart to be able to share more without feeling “being more”. My time to breeze…..!

Sweet disclaimer: probably the consistent collection is books ‘coz reading is like eating, without it I’ll die… Hope reading will be everlasting hobby of mine. Reading with eyes, reading with mind, reading with soul.

Picture borrowed from http://liquid-state.com/2014/04/25/people-buy-books-love-books-isnt-obvious/

Singapore – October 19, 2014 – 9:36pm

Moon (Rembulan) – bilingual

Learning, love, Poetic

It is a full moon two days from now. I am waiting for it. She might appear full, hiding her pocky face to make me happy…. She-Night, will you shower me with your bright blessing full of messages from the gods and goddesses? Or, would you tap my transparent bubbles bursting out all secrets of Universe? Shalom….

Dua hari lagi bulan purnama yang kunanti-nanti. Rembulan mungkin muncul bulat-bulat, menyembunyikan wajah bopengnya untuk membahagiakanku…. Dewi Malam, akankah kau menyiramiku dengan pendaran berkah penuh berita dari dewa-dewi? Atau, akankah kau letuskan gelembung-gelembung bening yang menyemburkan segala rahsia Semesta? Salam….

_DSC0539

Yio Chu Kang Rd – Oct’ 7, 2014 – 12:25am

Hello, Humans

Hello, Humans….

How would you care about me? Animal that lives in the same planet with you…. Please respect me.

If you have to kill us, it is not because of your sense of violence. If you have to kill us, it is because we are the chosen in sincere and beautiful way. Please don’t make joke of us before killing us, don’t torture us before and when killing us. Please do it gracefully. Please….

Singapore – October 4, 2014 – 3:24pm

Shrines in Kyoto

Learning, love, Map It!

Temples are scattered around Kyoto, Japan. I visited three of them…. Many remaining to visit in my next trip to Kyoto.

Bell

Mr. Stork…. perching on the roof of the shrine gate

The sky, blue….

Green and tidy….

Water from dragon mouth….

Lamp post, giant

And summer flowers are just decorating Kyoto street…. Sweetly greeting me.

Singapore – September 14, 2014 – 11:13pm

Water lily in Borobudur

Learning, love, Map It!

A small terra-cotta bowl with water

And water lily plant is resting on it

Blooming; blossoms are happy under the sun

Emitting the spirit of eternity – living without dying, how? Spreading good deed and love to the globe….

The leaf is so near with the mud…. Living so close to the dirt – down to earth

The color…. so brightly graceful – ignoring where it grows.

See it close…. Details of water lily stun me.

Life is about composing a beautiful friendship by living to the fullest with the outstanding quality of each of the person….

There was a time when I was so enclosed, look so plain and insecure, hidden in my firm unreadiness to reveal my own self.

And, there was a time when I was so aware of my tainted body.

And, when all is done, who can deny the beauty?

Oh there was something, bothering? Sometimes…. But it was just a bug, a virus named insecure friend visiting once in a while to feel the revealing security.

Ooohhhhhh Ms. Sun, are you so radiant showering me so much light? Thank you….

All pictures were taken on September 7, 2014 in Borobudur Museum, Magelang, Indonesia.

YCK Road – September 8, 2014 – 5:49

One Year Older

Birthday has never been so important for me except (maybe) when I was 17 years old…. Sweet seventeen, not really sweet but sweet enough to celebrate it with my all classmates in my third grade of senior high; additionally, tandem with a boyfriend (a friend who was a boy) born on the same day but one year older than me.

Tomorrow (some minutes ahead) I’ll be one year older…. And, I don’t feel it special except (maybe) that I will fly to Yogyakarta then ride to Borobudur to trace back my soul journey.

Picture borrowed from http://www.dpreview.com/galleries/2249911620/photos/1723070/

My father was born near Borobudur temple and I think it is just serene to feel the breeze of that site in my early 39.

I feel so thankful, I feel so blessed for having been granted this life of mine. Being single – not as happy as the married women out there but I am still happy with so much time to take care of my self and to dedicate to my family and friends and many more. Idealistic, huh? Indeed, that is the only thing I can work on to live my life: crystalizing the concept from my scattered moments and spreading my concepts to all the monumental seconds of my breath.

I am not sorry to be current me. I’ve been going through ups and downs; the highest alps and the lowest abyss — my own scale.

Do you know that all my mother, father in heaven, sisters, brother, nieces, nephews and my beloved cats and all friends have been my biggest supporters. They supply me with their cabling energy that connect to me through my dreams and fantasy — their love has magically turn my imagination into reality.

So, I won’t leave them like those who never leave me….

Happy birthday to me. I love me. Long live me.

Yio Chu Kang Rd – September 6, 2014 – 12:03 / just after midnight

Kangen

Rasanya kangen menjadi anak-anak ketika apapun tak membuatku dinilai – betas sebebas kucing mau tidur, meang-meong, berantem, berteman dengan siapapun tanpa ragu berbagi cerita.

Asyik sekali jadi kanak-kanak. Memandang sesuatu tidak dengan penghakiman dan tidak takut dihakimi karena yang kutahu adalah suka dan ketulusan. Nggak takut orang nggak suka….

Mau bagaimana, sekarang sudah dewasa mau bertingkah mesti mikir umur, lingkungan mengawasi dengan berbagai macam mata: mulai mata buta hingga mata mikroskop.

Oh, ternyata masih ada rasa takut di hatiku – mau tak mau kualami saja. Nggak ada salahnya jadi dewasa di depan orang dewasa dan menjadi kanak dalam kesendirianku dan di hadapan para pengembara. Mereka para pengembara itu tak sempat menghakimi karena bicaranya adalah hakim bagi dirinya sendiri, pandangan matanya adalah pantulan bayangannya sendiri, semua tentang dirinya sendiri maka mereka tak akan murka. Kanak-kanak adalah bagian dari kejujuran.

Gambar dipinjam dari http://cosmic-soup.com/nasal-breathing/

Marah, marahlah secara kanak-kanak – secara jujur, bukan kepura-puraan, kemarahan yang menyentuh, karena sepatu satu-satunya dicolong bukan karena sepasang dari sepuluh pasang sepatumu hilang. Sedih karena kucingnya mati bukan karena patung kucing keramikmu jatuh dan pecah. Malu karena masuk kelas terlambat, bukan karena tidak juara….

Tak mudah menjadi kanak-kanak karena kemurnian yang dijalankan. Ah, ini bukan kanak-kanak lagi; hanya teori ha ha ha….

Yah, sudahlah…. Biar kuhadirkan diriku dalam kesendirian saja. Khalayak hanya suka dipuja…. Nafas mereka adalah keramaian, aku mati di dalamnya. Nafasku harus keheningan, saat nafaspun tak sadar siapa dirinya…..

Yio Chu Kang Rd – 5 September 2014, 12:05 dini hari

Hutang

love

Namanya orang hidup pasti ada hutang: hutang uang, hutang budi…. Normal. Malahan kalau nggak punya hutang hidup terasa kurang berwarna – at least itu prinsip saya lho….. Sedikit dan bertanggung-jawab penuh terhadap hutang kita.

Berhutang dan menghutangi adalah setara karena tidak ada rumus bahwa yang menghutangi itu lebih baik daripada yang berhutang karena ketulusan seharusnya menjadi ukurannya. Jadi, mari kita nggrayahi awake dhewe (introspeksi, Bahasa Jawa) apakah kita lebih tulus menjadi penghutang atau terhutang. Wuda blejet (telanjang, Bahasa Jawa) di hadapan dirimu sendiri tidak membuatmu menjadi makin jelek; mungkin bahkan sebaliknya – menjadi semakin cantiklah dirimu.

Ada beberapa kesantunan dalam berhutang yang harus dijaga kalau masih mau dihargai sebagai teman.

Jangan pernah merasa lebih baik sebagai penghutang maupun terhutang.
Kalau mau hutang ngomong langsung, jangan pakai nyindir-nyindir. Sedapat mungkin jangan pakai calo….
Jangan pernah menjadi korban jika Anda sedang berhutang dan tidak mampu membayar. Bekerjalah! Jangan malas mencari alat pembayar hutang.
Jangan pernah memiliki niat untuk tidak membayar hutang kecuali jika ditagih oleh yang terhutang. Sebaik apapun Anda kalau dalam hati kau menganggap kewajiban membayar hutang terabaikan, maka busuk hatimu…. Ingat! Busuk hatimu!
Jangan pernah mengikhlaskan penghutang untuk tidak membayar hutang sebelum si penghutang mengatakan secara langsung bahwa dia tidak mampu membayar hutangnya.
Jangan menjadi sungkan sailing meledek antar teman karena posisi kalian berseberangan (penghutang dan terhutang).
Intinya…. hutang itu wajib mbayar ndul…. Kalau belum mampu bayar ya bilang, jangan diem aja…. Kalau orang Jawa bilang “semaya” (menjanjikan kapan mampunya)

Demikianlah uneg-uneg saya sekaligus sharing saya yang pernah punya hutang dan tidak mampu membayar sesuai akad awal. Jadilah manusia yang pemberani. Berani berhutang, berani membayar, berani semaya….

Foto dipinjam dari http://cacaicaoca.blogspot.sg/2012/03/hutang.html

Singapura – 20 Agustus 2014 – 11:11 malam

It is Lebaran Tomorrow

Idul Fitri – many of Indonesians call it Lebaran – is welcomed after Ramadhan. It is a happy day on which muslims have a big fiesta after fasting for one full month. We gather to pray together on the first day of 10th month of Hijriyyah calendar called Syawal month, have breakfast after that as a symbol of celebrating the victory of conquering the struggle within Ramadhan….

In Indonesia people have unique culture in celebrating this day. Many will arrange a “mudik” – going back to their home town to especially pay homage to family: parents, old generation, extended family. Mudik is generated from a Malay word meaning “headwaters”, the start of a river. So, mudik means going back to the start of a river – the place of origin.

Imagine millions of muslim exodus from big cities to small towns all over the country just to say hello and have small chit-chat once in a year. What a beautiful culture it is! People appreciate the high value of family bond or at least their bond with their “headwaters”. They try to remind themselves about where they come from…. Spiritually it is a symbol of tracing back the source of soul, tracking the journey that has brought us to this point.

After fasting for one month – just like caterpillar stop eating and starting to spin, becoming cocoon eating & drinking nothing – they start to realize that it is time to realize the beauty of soul like butterfly…. Butterfly taps its memory the phases of being egg, caterpillar, cocoon…. Mudik, tracing back the place of origin.

This might be not a make believe story but people in Indonesia are willing to get trapped with traffic jam for hours to be able to get back to hometown. In same cases they even cannot reach the hometown on the expected day but they are still happy on the way to home….

Ahhhhhh this is not easy to describe. But this Lebaran I have to stand by in Singapore for an assignment and can’t meet my mom in Indonesia.

I am ok as long as my mom ok but for sure I promise to myself that I have to mudik in Syawal month so I still can feel the spirit of Lebaran….

This is the feeling of longing for mudik – cannot tell properly how it feels but at least I shout it out here….

Mudiiiiiiiik!

Picture borrowed from http://www.meykkesantoso.com/2014/07/perkara-yang-musti-dilakukan-saat-di_29.html

Yio Chu Kang Rd, July 28 – 12:08am

Long Before

Bob, Learning, love, Poetic

Long before I hug you under the shed of light, you have chosen me to do….

It is not my intention. It is your wish to do….

Wings folded,

Halo un-rung,

Down to me you flew….

To my life, to my heart, to get absorbed by my soul.

And,

Time to press the button:

Last day of your physical being to be with us….

They call it death, let’s call it gate….

You’ve chosen somebody else,

I’m okay.

Be safe.

Be great. Be the bearer of the light….

I never regret for being your human – tears flowing isn’t a sign of sadness. Allow me to cry when remembering you, it is a celebration of my pride of being a mom of a cat that is now waiting to be born as a human being….

Wherever you are, be loving, be loved….

Thank you, Bob….

Singapore – July 23, 2014 – 11:22

A Goose, A Kitten and A Bear

I saw a gracefully-moving goose, swimming…. Not swimming, she was paddling her feet below the water to show me that life is beautiful but with circulating movement of inner power. How do human being look so calm but struggling to reach the other end of their journey which is at the same point is the start of another trip….

Picture borrowed from http://ibc.lynxeds.com/photo/swan-goose-anser-cygnoides/swan-goose

I saw then played with a bear. The eyes are soft so intriguingly contradictory with his sharp claws and teeth. Oye, Mr. Bear…. Please hug me in your huge warm body to feel that your heart is distributing love to your real existence through your eyes…. Your claws are the only tools to survive from others’ attack. Your strength is ultimately powerful to pump your core of love to my life, your strong boundary shares my selfishness of being a spiritual being – I will never want others to dictate my spiritual journey. You take the honey from my hands softly because you know that I only have heart full of love for you. I have nothing but love…..

Picture borrowed from https://addons.opera.com/en/themes/details/sweet-bear/

For me this life is a group of circling boundaries set by Mr. Bear; boundaries full with claws that have been defeated by his loving eyes…. Take the claws and del the love.

And, I saw a kitten…. Kitten, my baby….. Thank you for staying with me for quite sometime. You accompanied me when I was sobbing and curling near the lake. You sat next to me doing nothing except staring at me with full of questions:

“Why are you crying?

Don’t you know I am your angel?

Don’t you realize that you are my guardian angel?

What do you know about us?

How do you produce your tears? Are they from the bottom of your soul? Would you please teach me how to cry sincerely?

Soul, don’t you know you are beautiful and deserve to enjoy this blessed life? Soul, do you know that I will always be with you?

How would you stop crying of missing the real one, while I am here with you? Would you please hug me and whisper to my ears that I am your loved one?”

….

The kitten, he is now a sacred soul with me in this very world…. Thanks for being with me when I was weeping by the lake. Thanks for whispering to my spirit that you love me truly. My dear kitten, you are opening your Life and my Eyes…. Live love, Love…..

They sat with me by the lake where I saw the reflection of my spirit….

My dear Bob, now he is living in a real heaven with full of love all his life….

Singapore – July 7, 2014 – 10:57pm

Busy

I am so busy with myself.

My friends — some — think I’ve been so ignorant to them.

Then they left me behind.

Not sure what they want form me. They want my attention maybe…. But they at the same time forget that I need to share my self with my own self. I’ve been giving them my whole attention and it is time to hold! Hold.

I am sorry, my dear friends….

Please move on. With your hatred to me. Or, with your ignorance to me. Or, with your disappointment to me. Or, with whatever you have or not have for me…. Place and time are yours, and mine is now and here. Let’s move on to our direction we’ve chosen with all our heart.

Let’s love our selves; because before loving the air, we should be able to love our breath…. Let me love my self now; that way I can show you truly how I do love you.

No matter how goddamn upset with me, please forgive me. Please go on leaving me. Please love your self. Please let me love my self…. Let’s breathe freely.

The light is at the end of the tunnel. You reach it at the end of yours and I do mine. That fair.

Thank you, dear friends…..

Shangri-La Kuala Lumpur – June 20, 2014 – 11:22pm

Picture borrowed form http://fit.webmd.com/teen/mood/rmq/rm-quiz-toxic-friends

Self Development

I have got along with some special people who are willing to help boost my inner strength. They have done it in many different ways: discussion, interactive writing, sharing of work of art, auto-drawing, auto-writing, card reading, numerology, etc.

Auto-drawing is one of attractive way in doing so. A friend of mine has the capability and helps his other friends in drawing the spirit condition based on the result of his reading the frequency of the person’s spirit drawn.

You might want to be drawn regularly through chosen interval. I’ve been drawn once a year – three times. If we are willing to evaluate ourselves to overcome the potential imbalance reflected in the drawing, we’ll get to know that we improve spiritually.

My first drawing was a young girl walking down the street without any focus, just walk and smile, walk and smile…. Not focused, not mature.

Second year of drawing was someone with wings, a mature woman that feel lonely in the crown of big city. t was truly me drawn that way. I was enjoying the beauty of being a spiritual person but at the same time I felt so alone, no friend to talk about my spiritual development. Anyway, it was still a blessing.

This year, I am still with wings, smiling, with a pair of big ears, two hands unite in front of chest, standing on the top building of the city surrounded by the clouds. I am mature, thankful, surrender, listen to all around represented by big ears, seclude my own self from human beings and just be busy with the voice of heaven. You might want to see the picture; it is at the bottom of this post.

This really helps. Let’s love ourselves by knowing who we are…. Whatever methods are fine, just do the follow up seriously.

Intercontinental Hotel Phnom Penh – May 17, 2014 – 7:17am

Bob’s 40th Day

Bob, Learning, love, This Person

This is the 40th day of his leaving me….

My dear cat, my dear son….

40th day is when soul is finally ready to completely leave this physical world – letting go of all who are loved to be sincerely separated physically….

Bob is now fully releasing me. And I am, too… Thank you, Bob for being my beloved – you’ll always be. Be peaceful, seeing me from behind the curtain of light. Be happy to see me, I will see you…

Sampeyan wis seneng ya, le…. Kuburanmu ora entuk disekar karo sing manggon ning ngarepmu lho, le…. Wonge wedi he he he…. Wis, ndhak papa – tak dongakne ae malah luwih matoh.

Salam kanggo Bapak Jokanan dan Didang ya….

I love you, Bob…..

Yio Chu Kang Rd – April 4, 2014 – 11:30pm

Orchids On Our Back Wall

Orchids On Our Back Wall

This is orchid planted at the back of my small hut in Tangerang Indonesia. I bought this Cattleya orchid un-flowered. I did not even ask what colour it is when it blooms. At that time Cattleya was not my favourite.

It was approximately 4 years ago. After several months perching gracefully on the back wall, it exhibited its first flower. One orchid….

Then one year later two flowers….

And, on February 27, 2014 when I called on my beloved home I saw four flowers blooming…. When I was mourning about my son, my flowers gave me the positive side of our home.

Bob, our orchids bloomed again for us….. The universe is conspiring to make me happy at the right time.

Quezon City – March 6, 2014 – 12:12

Forgiveness

Everybody makes mistakes…..

Can I deny that I do? The only thing I can do is to be able to forgive myself for all mistakes I have done in my life so far.

This is not easy to forgive others and even much more difficult to forgive my own self who have committed mistakes – many – of which part are planned. I don’t want to talk about the planned mistakes. Let’s just talk about mistake that is just mistake…..

My father passed away just one day before I got home. I planned to see him after so long I left my house for work in Jakarta. I was in a hard time adapting the cruel capital city that was blessing me with my first job after graduating from university. I was a secretary in a small company by then. My boss was a very pious person that treated all employees very well but then his company was not big enough to make me enough-paid to buy ticket to pay homage to my parents. So…. I had to save money for almost one year and of course to take a “decent” leave. I call it “decent” because I was needed badly to support other departments so that I did not dare to file for a leave at any chosen time.

That is my biggest mistake, it was almost unforgivable. I cease blaming on my self after so many years….. I cried when I remembered how painful it was to be poor and not able to pay a visit to beloved father who was sick and dying….. And, probably he was missing me so much. Please forgive me, oh my own self….

Then it happened again just this year.

Bob, my cat son was sick. I should have been able to pay him a visit. The ticket was affordable for me. It was just because the time did not allow. It took a long hour from Singapore to my mom’s house. From Changi airport I have to fly to Surabaya which is no problem at all, but from Surabaya to my mom’s house it would take 5 hours and so I have to spare at least 24 hours for the travel. I did not have that much time at that time…..

So, I let him die without me around…. This is almost unforgivable, too. I was sinking below all roots, could not see the beautiful flowers of my life in which those beloved ones nurtured before…..

Then….

I reconcile with my self.

What should I do? All is over.

My beloved father and son passed away when I was away. That might be what they wanted. They did not want me to see them die. They wanted me to just see how happy their life was when I was around.

They have always wanted me to commemorate their good days. They have always wanted me to celebrate our togetherness in a positive way. Like they have been saying to me “Be happy, Rike. We are always happy with you…. Celebrate our life with your good memories. Don’t cry for us. Smile for us. We will meet again in the next life.”

So then I tell myself softly that I should forgive my own self because my father and my son have forgiven me. They will never hate me just because I never touched their bodies before they were buried. Their souls have been surrounding me from then on, so they are never away because of being separated by the container called physical body.

Oye, Self….. Please cherish the love. Never forget that the soul can be communicated with even when the bodies are cremated or buried or decayed in unknown places….. Ask the souls to talk to you, listen to your explanation and apology, sincere apology.

It is never too late to realise.

Soul is always here. In the same matrix and ready to mediate.

So, please use the time while you are awake. Tell them how much you love them, how strong we are all connected and how big the sorrow will be if the forgiveness is not shared…..

Quezon City – March 4, 2014 – 9:37pm

Light

life, love

My body is lighter, when I sleep…. I can fly to all places I want to go and meet with anybody I want to encounter with. As long as I sleep well, I would dream and only then I will remember what I dream when I wake up later.

I should let myself be light, even lighter so that I can gain whatever I want to. I travel in my good sleep. I greet my beloved ones in my good sleep. I just need to sleep well to dream and at the same time to realise my dream.

I believe my dream is as real as the reality when I am awake. My reality in awake state is when the body experiences all things in life. But in dream is when my soul lets my body take a rest and it goes by itself experiencing etheric reality…. So, no matter what I dream I would thank that in the name of God I get what my body has dreamt of in the day. Oh…. how light I am now, sleepy…. Need some good sleep and sweet dream. Let me meet my Bob, my late father and any other beloved ones living in the world, in this matrix…. I am sorry I am actually chattering….. Sorry but I feel so light and want to sleep to realise my dream….

YCK Rd – March 3, 2014 – 11:18pm

I Let You Go To The Other Side

Bob’s leaving us from this dimension is still a pain for me – small pain but big enough to make me feel emotionally burdened, overwhelmed and cry. And, it is now time for me to release more significantly because the way I mourn gave my lovely son a negative energy and made him walk insincerely to leave this dimension to the next level of his life – in the cat heaven, some best friends of mine said it.

So, I keep saying to myself that Bob is fine now. He is free from any physical pain and is ready to be embraced by the eternal love of guardian angels. Bob is ready to evolve to become my guardian and he can do it only by seeing me smile, by witnessing me letting him go, by sensing my releasing heart, by kissing him heavenly kisses. I shall not mourn anymore. I am not sad because he is leaving me, not because we are apart physically, not because the way he died…. I am not mourning anymore.

I told him….

“Bob, go across the bridge. I know you need to go. You need to transform to be able to be my guardian. You belong to eternity. Angels are waiting for you with a crown and a pair of lovely wings…. I let you go…. I thank you for being my son. I am sorry if I did not take care of you all the time, but I love you…. My mom – Ibu – loves you as well… Please don’t be sad, smile…. Smile, my baby. Walk steadily, my son…. You can visit me and Ibu when you miss us. Just come to our dream, to our meditative level of brain. You may call us with your vibrating soul. Touch us, greet us gently like you kissed us, like you touched us, like you licked our skin, like you did in our contact….”

I will still write about you…. For sure.

Press your soft paws to our cheek so we know when you are around. Please meow softly to us so we know that you are around. Let’s keep this love and fill the air with it. Namaste….

This song is for you, Bob….

“To Where You Are” (Josh Groban)

Who can say for certain

Maybe you’re still here

I feel you all around me

Your memory’s so clear

Deep in the stillness

I can hear you speak

You’re still an inspiration

Can it be

That you are mine

Forever love

And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile to know you’re there

A breath away’s not far

To where you are

Are you gently sleeping

Here inside my dream

And isn’t faith believing

All power can’t be seen

As my heart holds you

Just one beat away

I cherish all you gave me everyday

‘Cause you are my

Forever love

Watching me from up above

And I believe

That angels breathe

And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up

To where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile

To know you’re there

A breath away’s not far

To where you are

I know you’re there

A breath away’s not far

To where you are

…..

Yio Chu Kang Rd – February 28, 2014 – 9:12pm

Sweet Memory Starts

Bob, Learning, love, This Person

My son Bob was a cat with soft heart. He would never quarrel except another cat attacked him. He would just groan and groan and groan but did not move from his spot. Only if the other tomcat jumped to him, would he fight to survive.

He would have a lot of reason to manipulate me. He would kiss my forehead, my nose, my lips or my cheeks to wake me up from my sleep to get whatever he wanted: food, drink or door to open.

Or, he would slip under my blanket to slew comfortably, only some time then he would climb out of the blanket and sleep above me. He would snore and spread his purring beautiful sound bringing peace into my small bedroom.

When you grew older, you did not want to cooperate since you had better life outside with your fellow cats. You always scratched the door to go out and it was always at 1:00am…. But for the sake of love, I opened the door for you, Bob…..

You loved perching on TV as if you were the God of (modern) Cat…. Lovely boy! You are always able to steal my heart, Bob.

When you were sick, you didn’t moan. You just take a silent position and keep the pain in you. I could not help except giving you the best food and medication which was probably not really the best for you…. I tried hard to keep you next to me, your soul next to mine.

Then I had to leave Indonesia to pursue my dream…. I cried happy but sad…. I was given a chance to make my self more experienced in life but then I had to leave you. Could I? Who would take care of you, Bob? I had to make a hard decision. I brought you to my mom’s house – she did not have a soft spot for pets indeed.

I knew you were so sad, leaving your home…. But you trusted me that you would find another home. And, yes my mom fell in love with you.

I visited you when I had time to sneak out of my hectic days – some leave or long weekend really helped us to meet up…. You looked happy, Bob. We had good time…. I fed you, stroked you, kissed you, hugged you, cuddled you, took picture of you, took care of your body which grew older….

My mom always said “Bob is a human, he understands how to love, he is more loving than some humans who destroy others’ happiness. Bob has given us a lot of joy…. Thanks God for everything.”

He likes to daydream in the terrace, looking at the other cats that were enjoying his food left-over. Too much to throw away, good to share with other cats…. 🙂

There was a time, we really got angry because of how people treat him. So cruel…. Beat him, splash him with water, hurt him in any way they like just because those neighbours hated cats. But Bob was too weak to counterstrike. He just went home with the wound then we would lovingly treated him until he got well. We loved you, Bob and we do and will always do.

Then came a message that you were sick, puking all food you ate. Eating then puking two hours later; that was a pattern. My could not do anything. Nobody would help to take her to the vet. She lives in a village where people are busy taking care of their own poverty – there was no thinking of getting medication for animal.

Plus my mom was so busy taking care of my sick sister. I am sorry, my son Bob. We had been so occupied by our humane life that we did not take a good care of you humanely. I am sorry, we are sorry.

My mom said Bob stayed at home since Friday (Feb’ 21) until today when she found him dead on the floor of one cool bedroom – it is where I slept when I was still staying with my family. It is the coolest room in the house.

I don’t want to remember how he died. I want to remember how he lived.

He lived as a son of mine, bringing me joy and a lot of blessings. He has been sacrificing his free will to be my family member. He was so willing to share his pureness with us. He shared his sincere soul to grow among us. He inspired us with love and sincerity. He let himself be part of the madness of human in our life. You gave us love, Bob…..

I released you with all my heart.

I heard a voice calling my name last night “Rike” and I just thought it was you telling me that it is time. You called me to give a sign…. I should not have been afraid, I should have remembered you who was trying to open the door “home”…..

Now you are home, Bob. It is the real home. Your body is buried but your soul is forever, here guarding me from any not-loving and insincerity. Thank you, son. Thank you for being flower of my soul. I know I am so heartsick, ibu* is so sad, too…. You know it, right? We know you know it. But you smile because it was your time. Time to go home, where we will also go to be together. Play, boy…. Play with the fragrance of flowers among the cats that can fly high to reach the Source without mourning.

I am sad for I was not with you when you were dying. But I know you know how much I love you. The pictures above are tokens of our relationship son – mother of cat. Hope you care to share your joy with the other souls who have gathered in the other side…. Or, even you care to share with the Source how you have made us accept life as it is.

Bob, you are always in our heart. Even the sweet memories have just started on Feb’ 25 when I heard the message that the bodily Bob died and the soul is wrapped in silk and put in a pretty basket embraced by a pair of sacred angels to the heaven.

Jakarta (Grand Hyatt), February 25, 2014 – 10:21pm

Mr. Gray

He used to be the biggest enemy of Bob in Bob’s earlier stay in my mom’s house. He was very skinny then, always trying to peep what Bob was having for meal. Bob would stay inside, not wanting to go out welcome by his evil stare.

Mr. Gray is a tomcat which is now occupying my mom’s terrace – one corner where a curling water hose is put.

I am Mr. Gray….

He is there every single day, sleeping and curling, yawning and waiting for meal after Bob has finished the food on the plate. He is not so much evil to Bob anymore because he knows he will never replace Bob’s position in our heart. But he is trying to behave nicer by staying away from Bob – except at night when Bob is outside we sometimes hear they still quarrel over female cats…. Let it be, they are real cats.

Mr. Gray has become new member in our family. We won’t let him in though. We just spare a corner outside that we think still comfortable for him to nap. We give him meal every time Bob finishes with the breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner or supper.

Mr. Gray would shout at us if we forget to feed him…. So sweet….

We know it is additional energy needed to share but it is good to share, even only with a cat.

Seeing that Mr. Gray behaves less evil to Bob, we are relieved. That Mr. Gray is fatter, we are thankful. That Mr. Gray lives a bit happily, we are also happy.

Thanks, Mr. Gray…. For being a good fellow creature enjoying the blessing under the sky…. We know you always pray for our good so that you can get good things from us.

We love you, Mr. Gray…. Go ahead napping….

Yio Chu Kang Rd, February 15, 2014 – 6:16pm

Mr. Gray is meowing: “Food, food…. I am hungry…”

Love’s Day – Why?

Bob, Learning, love, Poetic

I have so much love in my heart. I don’t need one named day to express mine to anyone. I can express it today, tomorrow, any days in the future like I did it yesterday, tester month, long long ago…. I just need love to do it. If I still have love in heart, I still have things to share.

I might have no flowers for you, but I definitely send you fragrance of flowers in my love….

I might not have chocolate for you, but I save the bitter-sweet shape of love in every breath I take then give…

I don’t have symbols when giving love. I just do with all my heart.

Be it misunderstood as too much, it is not a problem for me.

I just love…

My love touches all… Only the one that can feel the touch.

If the love is not felt, hopefully my love can grow bigger so that it can reach the untouchable surface of heart….

Life is so short.

How short it is, I don’t know.

It is not countable like the age.

But in the un-measured shortness, let’s appreciate it by doing things.

Doing things, the best manner we can.

No matter what, we have no choice but doing to be…. Being….

Doing the best

Being human,

In the shortness of life

Spreading love….

Vibrating my loving soul to the universe….

I love you, mother.

I love you, sisters.

I love you, my dear Bob….

I love you all fellow creatures….

Peace be upon all the universe….

Singapore – February 14, 2014 – 12:19am

Flowers with Guests

life, love

Sometimes it is not easy to capture beauty…. It has become a rigid template so that many can’t understand why some people call some allegedly-ugly things beautiful.

Here is some beauty I captured through my humble heart. Happy to share with you with all my heart…. Peace be upon you all in this universe. Enjoy…

Tulips in Aesop’s counter….

Orchid in Indonesia Embassy in Singapore

Frangipani in Gardens by The Bay, Singapore

Cahaba lily in the Gardens by The Bay, Singapore

Hibiscus in alun-alun (town square) Tulungagung, East Java, Indonesia

Bud of water lily and a guest – Mr. Dragonfly

Euphorbia in my mom’s house terrace

Flowers of garlic chives and the guest – Ms. Fly in my sister’s garden

Cat’s whisker in my mom’s house… Hey, if you are careful, two uncles Ant are there…

Chrysanthemum in Changi airport, Singapore

Oh…. the guest – Princess Bird – is trying to taste the nectar in an orchid stem….

Bromelia in Gardens by The Bay – Singapore

Hydrangea (five colour flower) in Changi airport – Singapore

Adenium in Ina’s front garden – Tulungagung, East Java, Indonesia

Bromelia in Changi airport, Singapore

Singapore – February 9, 2014 – 2:47pm

My Love Is Forever Growing